Recently, I was talking to somebody about the topic of wills and inheritances. Our conversation centered on how family issues can play a big role in how things play out, and how situations can get complicated with dividing things up.
The topic of my blog came up, and I mentioned that I’ve written a few posts on this topic of late. First I shared the feedback from my post on siblings dividing an inheritance, and then I brought up my fairly recent post on 401(k) accounts and inheritances. The latter discussed how it’s important for people later in life to understand the specific rules on beneficiaries, as many people end up seeing their money go to someone other than who they thought would get the money. This is particularly true with adult kids and remarriages. Personally, I find this stuff to be fascinating, with the dynamics and dilemmas that are involved in such situations.
The conversation ended up going to a story that this friend told me about someone he knew (might have been extended family, but I missed that detail) whose uncle had remarried later in life, after having 2 kids from his first marriage. The man married a woman who had kids from her first marriage as well; it was either 2 or 3 kids – again, don’t remember that detail. What’s most important is that they remarried later in life, and both had multiple grown children coming into this union.
Anyway, the man died after a few short years of marriage, and left his assets to his new wife. All his assets. She got everything.
Now, he was very close to his adult kids. Additionally, for years prior to getting remarried, he had told them that eventually they would get everything he had. However, upon getting remarried, something changed in that equation. Whether he got swept up in marriage, or it was an oversight, or whatever the reason was, his will indicated that his assets would pass to the 2nd wife. That’s right: his adult kids would get nothing, even though he was very close to them.
Now, she was apparently fairly well off, and had seemingly accumulated a decent nest egg, as his story went. My friend didn’t know the specifics, but apparently the woman’s first husband died and she had a sum of money from that marriage. He assumed she might have had more money than her husband – the person my friend knew.
What did the woman do with the inheritance? She kept it, using it for herself and her own kids.
That’s where I’m left to disagree with that approach.
My friend had more of an “it is what it is” opinion about this. In other words, he had the view that it was her money, so the woman could do what she wanted with it. If her husband gave her the money, it’s hers. He wanted to give it to her, so why shouldn’t she take it?
My view is different. While I acknowledge that the money would legally belong to the woman since she inherited it, morally and ethically she should share it with the man’s adult kids. My reasoning is this: they were a part of their father’s life from the moment they were born up until his very end, which means their birth to their 30’s. The second wife in the remarriage was only his wife for a few short years later in life. Thus, they should get priority. Even if he didn’t have them in the will, it seems like the right thing to do for her to either:
- Give his assets to them entirely; or
- Give most of his assets to them entirely, and keep a small portion for herself.
My friend’s comments were along the lines of the wife needs to come first, before kids, even if she was married for just one day rather than a few short years as was actually the case. The thinking was that this follows his view of the hierarchy of a man’s responsibilities and that the kids are younger and can take care of themselves easier.
My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money.
Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.
Again, she’s apparently not poor and already had assets of her own already.
My Questions for You:
1. Who do you agree with: my friend, or me?
2. While this may seem impossible to picture yourself in that woman’s situation, what would you do if you were a spouse in her exact situation? How would you handle it, considering the factors I mentioned
Please feel free to share this article with anyone dealing with a blended family situation who could benefit from reading it. It’s great to raise awareness of such issues, and let people know that they’re not alone in managing this type of situation.
My husband recently died without a will. So we trying to open up his estate.
He has five kids, two by different mother and he left them money. I trying to open the estate and the two he left money to claims im underhanded. The three the didnt get no money, thank me for loving and caring for their dad and sign the papers for me to me personal representative. The other two refuse to sign so we have to go to court because they think dad had all this money. I explain to them that I will get half of the money and his kids will split the other half. Their dad always bail them out of financial trouble( the two that wont sign) but he had alot of credit cards, loans and debt but they think I’m lying. I have debt that I’m paying because we have both our names on loan and one of the loan I sign for in my name to bail his daughter out . I still love them and I pray for them but there dad was real sick and I stayed night and day in the hospital with him. he had cancer and alot times they did not show up, those two would beg for money while he was in the hospital. They refuse to pay there bills and wait to gas and electric reach 1200.00 and he would take a loan and pay it. I feel he bless them while he was living and they should be greatful. These two women are in there forties and still neglecting the bills. Both of them having some financial problems and he always bail them out. So now im the victim because they know I wont bail them out. They will have to grow up and be responsible
Regardless of the deficits his children, may or may not have, they’re his children. If his children are excluded in the division of estate, only because YOUR opinion of them, then you’re misguided. Clear your mind & heart & do what’s morally right & divide the entire estate with all his children. This decision will prevent BAD KARMA from destroying the life you have left, on this earth!!!!
My dad had 4kids with his wife and while married and out of wedlock he had 3 more children. He bought house made his wife joint tenat, before she died one of the Sib. By her, did a quick claim deed. Forged his mother’s name. She had alstimer and dimentiA, there was no Att. To enforce her rights. Who gets the house
If there are dementia diagnosis charted by doctors she was not legally able to sign anything that is as illegal as having a drunk man sign over his house
Yes. The morally thing regardless of how they are, it is lawful to do so. I agree with half for wife while all children split the other half among themselves.
I remarried at 54 to a man 59…who had gone thru a bitter divorce with ex after almost 40 years of marriage. He gave her 1/2 of everything including his retirement (altho she had retirement if her own and had worked the duration if their marriage) around 400 thousand
I encouraged him to forgive and forget and move on. He told me his grown girls were self sufficient and within the first 6 months I realized that was a lie..
all have used him for $$$ regularly. He began to be more discerning after his divorce due to his changed financial situation and the daughters raged against me -thinking and saying outright that I was a gold digger and one wished me dead. So stressed a sad I almost gave up but with his assurrance here we are 3 years later and doing well. Until I talked to him about a will. I was concerned after he went to hospital for a-fib and was asked by an aunt of mine about our wills…
He does not have one nor do i
He may or may not? have an old one that oldest daughter has that’s pre marriage (she’s the one that wanted to kill me:(
When I suggested we hire e an attorney to figure it out
he balked and still does so a year after his recovery. When we met and later married we agreed to love honor and cherish, he said that caring for me and me and I for him meant everything he promised to care for me. I peomised to care for him
Am I wrong to believe him? Is it wrong for me to be concerned that his grown children who enjoy drugs and irresponsible lifestyles and hate me whose mother is quite wealthy and I am not …to be afraid of what might happen if something should happen to him.
I lost both my parents in the last 5 years and he IS my family and life and they would fight just to ruin me.
It’s very sad. I believe if a man or woman leaves willingly everything to their spouse …old or new it should be honored and it is wrong morally and ethically in my opinion to make the NEW wife feel guilty that her husband choose to leave everything to her. There MUST be reasons that he knew of to do so and if my husband cannot make the same commitment to me…im afraid that will tell me just what he really thinks of me and our relationship and poor or not I will start over and in the end when his greedy children fight over everything I won’t have to be around to witness them devour each other.
Please stop arguing or disagreeing with his children over his estate. He’s capable mentally & he Loves his chuldren. Instead, you should be concentrating on your own earn assets & allow him to honor his children. Remember tomorrow is not promised to you or any one. Always take the high road & do the honorable thing & you will be rewarded in the end.
I totally agree. Unless you r in that situation you can not comment. Your money follows your heart. What is the aging wife to do….be homeless….is that love. May be an extreme but he took on a wife as his obligation. Children r to leave grow up. Bible talks about a man caring for his wife……not grown children
My father recently passed may he RIP.
my dad and step mom had a will to devide the house between his and her children when they passed. well my father remarried my mom after my stepmoms passing and ammended his will to add my mom to get a 4th of the sell if she chooses to sell. He also put her name on the deed of the house. Can my mom change the will and keep us from recieving our share of the estate
I was a 2nd wife and my husband had an adult daughter when we married and I had two teenagers. We were married for 15 years but we both had nothing coming into the marriage. We bought our home together and we both had small life insurance policies. He became disabled a year after we married with heart disease and kidney failure so he was on disability while I worked. Also, I took care of him after he lost both legs and became confined to a wheelchair. His daughter lived out of State but did not come to visit until towards the end of his life. After he died she came to the funeral and on the same day asked if her father had left her any money. I couldn’t believe she could think of money when we just put him in the ground. She called me often until the life insurance came. I told her I would pay my bills so I could keep my home and then I would share with her. She was 37 years old with two children at the time. I did share with her in memory of her dad and I also sent money monthly to her daughter when she went to college, for two years. I am not wealthy but I thought it was the right thing to do. But, I resent the implication that my marriage was not valued because I was his 2nd wife. My 1st husband has not seen his children since they were small and I’m sure he has nothing to leave them and nothing they want. But, still, my conscience us clear,
Blended families are tough!!! My husband & I have been married 8 years, been together 10 years. His oldest son moved out of his Fathers house at 16 because he didn’t like his Dad not spending enough time with him! The oldest never told his Dad that. Dad worked two jobs and had two other sons. Oldest son came to me and wanted help getting a relationship back with his Dad. I’m step Mom 2. I worked hard to mend wounds, it worked. Just two years ago my husband at age 63 was diagnosed with ‘Cognitive Impairment’. It’s progressing unfortunately he is getting worse. My husband’s Father past away at 96 years of age in March. Leaving a nice inheritance to my husband & his sister. There was acreage that had been in the family 53 years. Oldest son was very upset because his Dad would NOT sell it to him for below fair market value. Was so degrading, rude and belittling to my husband it was embarrassing! Oldest son did not care that his Father may need that inheritance down the road for memory care! Only that he, the oldest son, had a dream of owning that property. Did not even consider his Aunt. Then wanted us to float him a loan for the extra money. Which we do not have nor did we want a loan to deal with. Then as we were going through my husband’s Dad’s paperwork we find papers where my husband’s middle son & oldest son tried to get their Grandpa to change his will so they would inherit everything! There are 7 other Grandchildren and my husband & his sister. How does that sound to you? Selfish & self-serving? Me too. I have the great financial assets in our relationship. I have a trust, my husband has a will. My trust allows for my husband’s care if I should pass away before he does. Then my trust goes to my biological Grandchild and my Step-Granschild. Not my husband’s children. My husband’s assets, If Any after his mental health care, will go to me. My husband is giving his oldest son & youngest son’s $20,000 now while he is still alive. The middle son I’d receiving a classic car that he helped his Father build. All three are getting the same monetary value now. Then it will be stated that my husband has previously left his son’s monetary assets. IF there is any monetary funds left from my husband’s inheritance I will split that amoung the three sons. The two older sons have not even considered their half brother getting an inheritance. None. Keep in mind no matter what you do….it is never enough, you will always be the bad step parent. This disease could bankrupt us. But those grown adult step children could care less. So it is never a cut and dry situation. It ain’t easy always being the bad guy or girl!!!! I know this if those sons were given the responsibility to take care of their Father……..it would last 3 months!
my dad got married twice after never divorcing my mom. the 2nd wife he was with from me being 16 until I was in my 30s. she was a wonderful grandma and she loved us all. She died with a law suit of wrongful death. my dad got that. the 3rd wife was a complete devil. not to mention related to my mother by marriage. she heard my dad liked her and my dad was older. he was to have a heart transplant after triple by pass surgery with in ten years. it already passed ten years when his 3rd wife got him and then found out about a pension. His 3rd started telling my dad I was steeling and being mean to her behind his back. She spent her 1st dead husbands money and then married my dad quick and even tried to get pregnant. that didn’t work so the problems she created progressed fast to the point I didn’t care and that I was not going to pretend to like her. we BBQ. at my dads every Sunday and split up the left overs to bring home. My daughter was accused of steeling food. So many lies. She moved my to another state where she had full control of him not talking to me. After my dad died she had a dinner at his house following the free 30 min service my dad got. I was not allowed to go to my dads house for the dinner. She got mad at my kids because they would not play her game against me and leave me alone. I don’t know what’s going on with anything that belong to my dad. I do know everything my dad had was before he was with her. I don’t know how to go about any of it. Him not being divorced from my mom who is alive or if he still had the life insurance him and his 2nd wife had for us. The 3rd wife told my son it is on paper what he will get but has not heard from her. The obituary never mentioned my brother but mentioned two kids that was not his and one not being hers either but belonging to her first dead husband. thanks for reading my problems and I hope it made since. God Bless
What you wrote Sharon is a mirror of what is happening in my family at the moment. I agree with all you say, so thank you.
I agree with your friend. Sorry but we are in our second marriage and My husband is in so much debt from the first marriage that I am helping him out of… he even had to file for bankruptcy. But he pays his child support every month even though our family has to sacrifice everything for the three other kids (my 2 and our joint 1) at this house. His child support is so high it cancels out what i receive for my TWO kids. When it comes time for an inheritance it will be used to catch us back up to what we should have had to live on now but don’t. His son has much more than he needs now…. or maybe his first wife does. However, he will inherit 100% of everything from his mom because he is an only child on that side. I think your example of grown adults for 30 years is different… I met my husband when his son was 4 so we have almost known each other the same amount of time. I will use the money as I see fit, which is how my husband desires and intends it to be. I also believe in a familial hierarchy and if we were a non blended family with all natural children we would not have the huge sacrificial child support payment or this debate…