Recently, I was talking to somebody about the topic of wills and inheritances. Our conversation centered on how family issues can play a big role in how things play out, and how situations can get complicated with dividing things up.
The topic of my blog came up, and I mentioned that I’ve written a few posts on this topic of late. First I shared the feedback from my post on siblings dividing an inheritance, and then I brought up my fairly recent post on 401(k) accounts and inheritances. The latter discussed how it’s important for people later in life to understand the specific rules on beneficiaries, as many people end up seeing their money go to someone other than who they thought would get the money. This is particularly true with adult kids and remarriages. Personally, I find this stuff to be fascinating, with the dynamics and dilemmas that are involved in such situations.
The conversation ended up going to a story that this friend told me about someone he knew (might have been extended family, but I missed that detail) whose uncle had remarried later in life, after having 2 kids from his first marriage. The man married a woman who had kids from her first marriage as well; it was either 2 or 3 kids – again, don’t remember that detail. What’s most important is that they remarried later in life, and both had multiple grown children coming into this union.
Anyway, the man died after a few short years of marriage, and left his assets to his new wife. All his assets. She got everything.
Now, he was very close to his adult kids. Additionally, for years prior to getting remarried, he had told them that eventually they would get everything he had. However, upon getting remarried, something changed in that equation. Whether he got swept up in marriage, or it was an oversight, or whatever the reason was, his will indicated that his assets would pass to the 2nd wife. That’s right: his adult kids would get nothing, even though he was very close to them.
Now, she was apparently fairly well off, and had seemingly accumulated a decent nest egg, as his story went. My friend didn’t know the specifics, but apparently the woman’s first husband died and she had a sum of money from that marriage. He assumed she might have had more money than her husband – the person my friend knew.
What did the woman do with the inheritance? She kept it, using it for herself and her own kids.
That’s where I’m left to disagree with that approach.
My friend had more of an “it is what it is” opinion about this. In other words, he had the view that it was her money, so the woman could do what she wanted with it. If her husband gave her the money, it’s hers. He wanted to give it to her, so why shouldn’t she take it?
My view is different. While I acknowledge that the money would legally belong to the woman since she inherited it, morally and ethically she should share it with the man’s adult kids. My reasoning is this: they were a part of their father’s life from the moment they were born up until his very end, which means their birth to their 30’s. The second wife in the remarriage was only his wife for a few short years later in life. Thus, they should get priority. Even if he didn’t have them in the will, it seems like the right thing to do for her to either:
- Give his assets to them entirely; or
- Give most of his assets to them entirely, and keep a small portion for herself.
My friend’s comments were along the lines of the wife needs to come first, before kids, even if she was married for just one day rather than a few short years as was actually the case. The thinking was that this follows his view of the hierarchy of a man’s responsibilities and that the kids are younger and can take care of themselves easier.
My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money.
Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.
Again, she’s apparently not poor and already had assets of her own already.
My Questions for You:
1. Who do you agree with: my friend, or me?
2. While this may seem impossible to picture yourself in that woman’s situation, what would you do if you were a spouse in her exact situation? How would you handle it, considering the factors I mentioned
Please feel free to share this article with anyone dealing with a blended family situation who could benefit from reading it. It’s great to raise awareness of such issues, and let people know that they’re not alone in managing this type of situation.
I hasve ben married to my 2nd husband 12 yrs.He has 3 adult children And i have 2 adult children.When we made out our will 12 yrs ago we said when one spouse dies the other gets everything and when other spouse dies everything gets devided 5 ways.Recently the disccussion came up in a group and others said that is not equal since the # of children isn’t equal and the estate should be devided 50% for his children and 50% for my children.After longs thoughts it made sense.I brought it up to my husband and he was furious and 100% disagrees.Can I please have your thoughts on which way is more fair.Thanks
I believe it should go to you and then the children . Inheritance is not an entitlement and it’s not required . We raise our kids to be successful on their own yet a husband and wife build what they have together so I truly believe it belongs to the surviving spouse then when they pass it should be equally divided amongst all of the children
I think your kids should get 50% and his kids 50% no one told him to have more kids than you do ?
Seems to me you are thinking apart, y’all are family so ain’t no spilts y’all have 5 kids so 5 kids get a split. Y’all are one so his kids are yours and likewise.
Stupidity I feel sorry for whoever take you in. Please don’t listen to Angelica
I have been married to my 2nd husband for 25 years even tho his first wife was married to him for 41 years. I was not there when the “money” was made BUT I am now here taking care of him thru his “golden years” when it is not so golden as he has vascular disease, parkinson’s and chronic kidney failure . I feel I have done as much for him as his first wife (even tho she had his youthful years) Why am I not as worthy as the first wife???? His children make their token visits but truly feel I am not worth ANY money because they deserve it all just being his kids?????? really?
i agree….50/50 is ideal…..that is fair.
I have been married to my husband for 32 years. We have no children together, but he has children from a previous marriage which lasted 10 years. I’m 61 and my husband is 84. His children are my age or older. Today he tells me he wants to give 50% of his estate to his children and I keep my 50% . I was hurt! His children do not help when he’s ill and really does not call until recently. We have acquired everything together so why even think about giving what we acquired and if he goes before I or vice versus, how do I live? I need your thoughts.
When I remmaried I had a home my first husbands super , my children where not happy about that , my new husband had been divorced and had nothing we decided he would get a job work get our home none of the money I had would go into that ..many yrs many arguments later he was told he was terminal ..the shit hit the fan ..I had sold my old house invested the money yrs before used what I wanted for travell and to help my kids when needed..the 8 wks before he died shocking not only from losing him I brought his daughters out from USA to have time with him ..one good the other started problems all of a sudden will changes . All sorts of stuff even him divorcing me so they could get it ..as of now I have the house they have the rest …bitterness , hurt pain not needed a good will well thought out
totally hear you Lorraine.
I always like to look at as a court of law would look at a divorce. If you invested enough time with this man (7 yrs), and you have no income other than the investments this husband left behind after his passing, and you’re at an age where you can’t possibly make it up, you should get 100%. If you wanted to make sure his kids got something he should have taken care of that before he passed like my second husband did for his kids. The beauty of a second marriage is that often the wife comes into the marriage with her own finances. She has no obligation to the children of her new husband, but he does. People take the time to plan a purchase of life insurance, but they don’t take into consideration the concept of keeping their Investments separate. Also why wait till you pass to give your children some of your hard-earned cash. Another idea to make sure all the kids get their fair share is to set up a trust for each of them. I know my husband got very angry with me when he found out his children were not on my investments. I didn’t marry his children… I married him. Of course if he should pass before me, I would make sure they got something of his investments before I passed. I’ve gone through more than a few family passings and it gets crazy. Forget about attorneys. They can’t stop a family from coming in and looting the house, as well as my situation with my dad’s parents. The will left his children and grandchildren individual items, but one sister came in with bodyguards and guns in hand, and took everything in the house before the law and the attorney could get there. Once they left with the trailer full of belongings there was no way to get anything back.
I am dealing with this situation now…my father has been married to his third wife 25 years..we have had our ups and downs. I fell like I have tried to have a friendship but there is a definite double standard for her kids over us..she has two grown kids and my dad has two kids. I have lived with that for many years and it hurts emotionally but I deal pretty good and try. I recently brought up the subject of what happens if my dad goes first. His wife is 18 years younger. He says he has left most of his assets to his wife and left some to his two kids…but I assume my dad will live to a ripe old age because he is healthy now at age 77…and I wonder if as he ages, his wife as she has done for the past 10 years, reduced his two kids share –and continue to do so or take over all the assets and convert them as her own so there is nothing for my dad to pass to his children. I had a huge argument over this and asked his wife (she does not let me call her step mom) if all four kids are in her will should something happen to my dad and she ends up with everything..out lives him–manages to convert all his cash to her own non cash assets and then gives all her assets to her two kids and leaves us out..by then she will have known my sister and I for over possibly forty years if not more but yet, we are not included in her will…how does one call me family when in death, I am not treated as such? Or if not me, who is only ten years younger than her…my kids? How do I deal with the fact that in reality I am not family in death…then I am not family in life either…as I see it. It’s very hard to deal with…I know there is the other side that I its none of my business and that its theirs not mine…in fact she tells me “you have a husband.” She lets it be known I am on the outs, and my dad is too scared to be alone so he does not defend his kids or his wife will give him the cold treatment and fight with him…I hate being subjected to this and wish I could just move away from it all. I am a very strong person but its still so hard and definitely gets the best of me at times. I think it helps to read others posts as I see I am not alone and never will be.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Some women are just manipulative and it’s not right. I was called “greedy” in a comment below on my post but I believe that adult children have a right to inheritance. New wives are just as responsible to be in it for love and not money.
My husband is 20 years older and his kids are also my age and younger. I do not favor my kids over his, I am just a mom who stays in constant touch with my kids. Go to your dad, develop a close relationship and stop blaming the “stepmom” He has a phone, a place to visit so why blame the “stepmom” go to your dad and stop blaming his wife
Exact situation would love to chat Only2sunshines
Gmail
Mine has nothing to do with greed, I’d burn the $ if that would prove my point, I just want fairness.
my husband has 3 kids from his previous marraige all he had he had before our marriage he gave to his kids now what ever we have he whants me to share it 50% with hes kids and my kids when he died I said we are getting old and if live longer I will need that money to live since he allready give his kids inhertance who cares what me or him do with the money after one of us pass away. is these fair . or AM I wrong
This is not even a topic of discussion for me. Whether you are on your first marriage or your second you should be treated the same. If this was a first marriage EVERYTHING would go to the spouse who outlived the other. It should be the same in a second marriage. Children grow into adults and need to take care of themselves. Spouses build a life together and depend on each other to live. It is when the second spouse passes and there is no one alive from the marriage that money passes onto the children. If you do not trust your spouse to do so, if you have children from previous marriages then you should not be married and should contemplate divorce… As for the splitting between children it gets divided by the number of children. Not half to the wife’s children half to the husband’s. Why give some children more than others? Family is family. And now a days everyone had blended families. The rules that apply to first marriages and children apply to all marriages and children. The only exception to this to me is if you are very very wealthy like Hugh Hefner then considering splitting everything equally amongst everyone could be a possibility because you have so much money that your spouse does not have to struggle to live while you give your ADULT children who have spouses of their own money to play with.
Finally Someone speak with common sense!
You get it!!!!
My mother passed in 2002 with a holographic will she owns her own business she married a man when we were in our late teens he was a barber he passed away in 2016 they were married for 28 years my mother passed first, my stepfather without a will we weren’t adopted by my stepfather we were in our late teens when my mother and him got together now we are adults and because we weren’t adopted, the laws in calif says we aren’t entitled to anything his half-brother who none of us even know steps in and wants everything like us kids didn’t even exist it was all my mother’s money my stepfather didn’t have much he was a barber this is driving me nuts I’m trying so hard I live in the state of California and the interstate laws say that if you weren’t uadopted you don’t inherit but it’s not fair because it was my mother’s money and now this man who has a million dollar home wants to come in and take it all from us I want to know what I can do about it at least let us have what was my mother’s. I’m so angry, he is off half blood and wasn’t even raised with my stepfather.
My boyfriend who is in the Military and the father of my unborn child. Said that his mother will always be his beneficiary no matter what. He seems to think that his mother will give me and his child handouts. I am not sure if this is a trusting relationship and not sure what I should do. I feel like I am in love with and having a child with someone who doesn’t trust me.
I would leave him for something like that smh. He’s not thinking about you or the baby should something happen to him AND it’s obvious that he has trust issues. That is a very hurtful situation! Especially when you are carrying his child. I’m some states depending on how long you’ve been together you would be entitled to a certain percentage of benefits anyway but you would have to do some research. I will say a prayer for you that it all works out. It can be a very touchy subject believe me I know!
He has a child! His family should be priority over his mother… or at least split evenly between you two. To leave both you and his own kid out in the cold… wtf?
I’m is a situation, where I divorced my first wife with our one daughter. My wife now has a partner, but during the divorce, I took a small portion of a payout for the house. Now theirs another man living in the house that I took minimum payout so my daughter wouldn’t be kick out of the house she grew up in. My daughter is now 22 and still lives at home with her mom and mother’s boyfriend. So my question is if something happened to my ex wife and daughter, me as blood parent to my daughter, would I have rights to the assets that my daughter is sole beneficiary in her mom will? Or do the mother’s boyfriend have any rights to it?
My husband was a widower when he married me, he has an adult daughter by his first marriage. We live in house he owned with late wife. His daughter has been awful to him, and he has changed will 3 times. For first 12 years he was in a lot of denial to her awful behavior and blackmail over the years. Since she has had his grandchildren it has become much worse and he be far worse. She lives 2 miles and she will only meet once every couple months at a restaurant, he is not welcome t her home, he cannot hang out with his children. Before you think what he must of done to deserve this, it was only believing that she should be allowed to rule the nest, he needed her signature to give money to her disabled sister, she only gave it after he gave her last 125,000$ in our bank. She actually black mailed him. Her favorite lines are, what’s in it for me and if you don’t put me first you will come last. She is teaching her 2 year old, not to say please when he grabs off another’s plate..but to say ‘me’. She has not been to our home since he married me, but is adamant I don’t deserve a thing. Since she did this with the grandchildren he first went into a deep depression, and cried..very unlike him. Now he lets me know all the ways to stop her from inheriting the house if he dies. I never seen him like this before, he loves her but has started confessing how when her mother died, he was weeping she didn’t even comfort him just wanted moms very nice car. He has been very ill with out her checking in on him. If he should die first I am afraid what she will do when she finds out her behavior has finally caught up with her. P.s. she’s not poor her mothers closest friend is a multi millionaire and is always giving her lots of moneyhuk
Wow wow ? —these poor folks—all i can say is pray and ask Jesus for His help! He has always heard and helped me ehen i pray. Then petition your state legislators and representatives to change the laws of inheritance distribution. Good luck and God bless.
i have been married only 3 months, to a man who has not only got money ,but owns 2 homes, he has got all tied up for his kids, he only wants to give me a small life insurance policy and have me move out of the home within a year 3 kids are all well off and i have nothing
I speak from experience: no matter what age children are, their interests and assets SHOULD be protected. If a parent remarries they need a prenup that stipulates this. If their new spouse has children of their own, they need to do the same with them. BOTH people should enter the marriage with their own money and how it will be distributed in their death and what their expectations are after their death. OTHERWISE, why marry at all a second or third time? If you’ve had your children, and they’ve had theirs, live together and don’t legally bind your life or your beneficiaries. It saves a lot of heartache. Failing that, be CLEAR with your future spouse (or present one) AND your children. Bring them into the conversation. Give them things in your lifetime. I am experiencing the fallout of mother, in her third marriage, who did so much to avoid conflict that she created chaos around her. It is still happening in her death because she was not clear and did not, as far as we can tell, draft a second will that reflects what she verbally shared with one of her children (who assumed he was executor). Believe me, it’s better to ask your parents what’s what and better safe than sorry. It’s a tough conversation but we need to have it.
I agree. There are people out there who will take someone for all they’re worth, especially later in life when people have collected assets, with no thought to the family their new spouse had before them. Sorting it all out is really important.
I’m going thru something similar my young daughter father passed we were not married. These past few months prior to him passing have been hell between us due to me getting married but I still loved him. His family has taken over everything including what they decide to give her. Am I wrong for contacting a lawyer on her behalf.
I believe if adult stepchildren are grown and very well off priority should be with the wife. After death with elderly in California many things can happen, you lose part of income when he dies, if house is under prop 13 and wife doesn’t inherit takes canquadruple making it hard to continue living in the home. You are forgetting it is these srepmoms who become the caretaker of an ailing spouse, sometimes for years when often children don’t even come around. If stepmom is elderly and step kids are very financially sound stepmom needs to be cared for.
I think the will of the deceased should be followed. However, if it were me I would, after the passing of my husband, see that each biological child received a fair portion. We are currently undergoing family planning for the division of responsibilities and assets for my parents companies, which both my husband and I work for, and he is furious because he isn’t named as a beneficiary. First off, I’m hurt because he’s acting like he only married me to get a share. Secondly, only blood children are recipients of the inheritance (all of which is leveraged in debt) so no spouses, or children that are not related basically so mom or Dad don’t get remairried and have a slew of new gold diggers at our doorstep. And thirdly, since we manage one of the companies together Anytime there is a work related issue I have to hear about how he does this for nothing in the future. Is it just me or is this uncalled for?! His position in the Compnay has not changed. His decision making capabilities have not altered and we are paid, salary employees which had to perform these tasks prior to the inheritance talk. Not sure what I should do…this is definitely getting old and straining on our relationship.
Hello,
I have a complicated question I’d like some advice on, as I can’t ask any of my friends about it after promising my dad I wouldn’t talk about it.
I am an adult with one brother, and my father and my mom divorced when I was 16. My dad got remarried 7 years ago in his late 60’s, and told me at the time that he had his new wife sign a pre-nup, specifically so that my brother and I would be his beneficiaries of his assets, 50/50. This made me feel relieved and I have appreciated my dad looking out for us, and also relieved that in case his new wife was out for financial gain, she wouldn’t be able to take advantage.
Flash forward to this year: my dad took care of an elderly friend for the last several years who had health issues. He brought him his meals every single day, took him to doctor appointments, etc. They ended up having a joint stock account that this man put some assets into, and let my dad counsel him on investing. Because my dad took care of him for so long, and did most of the work with this investment account, this man set it up where my dad became the beneficiary of this account, transferable upon death. Well, he passed away last week.
My dad then went to his financial advisor’s to make me the Limited Power of Atty so that I can trade in this new account, but not withdraw any money. His wife was present with him in the accountant’s office, and they asked him to name the beneficiaries of this account. So my dad made his new wife 50% , and my brother and I the other 50%, meaning we’d each get 25% and her 50%.
I have a problem with this, and didn’t like the fact she was present when he had to make this decision. My dad told me on the phone that he actually would have made it 1/3 her, 1/3 me and 1/3 my brother, but felt awkward about it with her there. This inherited account has quite a bit of money in it, and I feel unhappy about this division.
My question is: do I bring this up to my father later and tell him I disagree with his decision? Or do I just accept it and let him make his own decision, knowing that my brother and I will split the rest of his assets without her being part of them?
I feel like she should definitely have some assets granted to her for being a good partner to my dad, and also she helped out in taking care of this man as well, but not as much as my dad. I feel like this is an unfair division considering they have only been married for 7 years. Also she has said outright that part of the reason she married my father was for security for her senior years, and I don’t totally trust her 100%.
My dad has by no means been selfish with her, and even helped out her daughter who had to claim bankruptcy, bought her granddaughter a car, etc. His wife doesn’t have to work or worry about paying for anything with my dad.
Am I wrong to feel resentful of this, and should I let it go? Or let him know I feel it’s not fair?
Your greedy. First of all she should’ve never signed a prenup like that where she would end up with absolutely nothing? If you get married to somebody and they are your sole supporter and they die how are you supposed to live you were happy about that though and It didn’t concern you that this woman might be left in despair if he had died and left with nothing. Sure that was accumulated before their marriage but nothing that was the first mistake. Now your father gets lucky runs into some good fortune, that had nothing to do with you or your brother and now this is after he is married to this woman and of which she is entitled to half of everything acquired since They have been married which would be enforceable under much state law will or not. And you really think she should not get 50% of what that has been acquired since they have been married when she was already cut out of everything before that point. Check yourself because your mind is only in the arena of greed; don’t be a glutton be grateful, humble and giving with your money and your emotions when it comes to other people that is where you will find your riches in this life!
Uh, sorry but your depiction is off. I am not greedy, and this woman will most certainly not be left in despair. She’s well taken care of. As I said, she has outright stated that part of the reason she married my father was for financial security. Is that love? I don’t think so. My father has been incredibly generous to her and her family. I’ve had a close relationship with my father throughout my life. I’m a generous person in my own life and work with a social justice cause. Being protective of my father and our family before he met her, and concerned that his wife is in it for the money doesn’t make me a glutton.
I wonder if a judge would allow this. He married her and should provide in his death, but originally he didn’t…she accepted that. This other money was left because they both cared for this man. Personally I think she should have all of that and hope she talks to a good attorney, based on your own argument of initial greed, you have no claim to the other at least not morally
He is providing for her in his death already, with assets they have accumulated together. The pre-nup was for assets he had previously, and most of his time taking care of the elderly man was time that he spent. Granted she did help, and I don’t have a problem with him leaving part of his assets to her, or these assets. I don’t think he shouldn’t leave her anything at all. My concern was in this situation that he had a way that he wanted to do it and she convinced him otherwise. As I said above, she has stated one of the reasons she is with him is for financial security, which to me is a red flag. Would you want that to be a main reason someone was with you? It makes me concerned she exerted pressure on him, and bothers me that she’s flat out stated that is a reason she married him.
I really need some help here, my uncle passed away in 2009 a couple months later my step dad asked me in front of my husband grandma and Mom if I could handle a large sum of money, at the time I couldn’t so in 2015 I asked my mom about that large sum of money she said she didn’t remember that being said…keep in my mind that she goes on atleast 5 cruises a year and to Vegas 8 times a year, so she has totally changed and is no longer a mother to me, she always finds a way to start an argument and recently has my grandma buffaloed. Last year my step dad made it a point to tell me that oh the reason I asked you about that money was to just see how you’d react. I’m in WV idk what to do at this point. The people of my community tell me they remember my uncle putting money in the bank and telling people in the bank that he had o take care of his 2 girls “my sister and I.” How do I find out this information? Where do I look first? Thanks
First and foremost, always check when and who made up the deed, also if it’s a will make sure it’s in order. I havE seen a lot of confusion when one spouse turns over a Home through deed , not realizing that by doing so there wills become void. They think it’s provides for all. Or that it binds the other spouse to promises of passing it on to kids of original owner to their kids after death. There are de ious characters out there, but how soon he died unless under suspicious circumstances is just life’s lottery. Now to the original question ….if the original owner understands what he has signed and his children are now grown then I feel he(or she) has every right to do this. After death of firstspouse it’s easyto think you will never remarry and jump the gun on promises you make. But morally. You were required to be raised….beyond that it’s really not your house
I think, the second wife should get everything and not the kids. Why? Because the wife takes care of him, looks after him when he is sick, puts up with all his strange habits etc. She is not just a wife but also the best friend.
Kids. They usually don’t care about the father unless they need money or want to get simethung from him. Most of them even are lazy to work. They rarely visit and never help when the father asks them unless the father pays the money.
So, do they deserve the inheritance? If yes then why? For just being born and being users?
This is the father’s money which he earned so he can leave it to somebody who deserves it, and that’s not kids.
Easy, don’t ever remarry. You have one chance at having the love of your life and you make the best of it. From that love you have children who are a part of you both.
It is right that your children have a better life than you, that is your legacy. So what you had put together as husband and wife got to your children.
If you must remarry, then rule a line at the assets aquired before you’re new married life and tag that “For my first love’s children”. Include any growth and interest accrued from that lot of wealth.
Then everything you build up after that can be left to your new spouse.
That is fair and takes into consideration the new spouses contributions to family wealth.
By leaving everything to his second wife, the husband showed his love and respect for the woman and it is how supposed to be. Husband’s wealth has to go to his current wife and wife’s to her current husband.
Life doesn’t end if people have kids and made mistakes in their life. Kids are young and can work and build their own wealth instead of waiting for their parents’ death. No parent should leave his/her wealth to their kids if their spouse is still alive.
In conclusion, people should leave their wealth to people who truly love them, care about them and who truly deserve it. People shouldn’t leave their wealth ‘by default’, like, ‘ok, you are my kid and I leave everything to you and it doesn’t matter that you are lazy, don’t get a job, and in addition, don’t give a dam about me and never visit me even when I’m sick’.
Been in a situation when my late husband’s children never called or visited, yet were appalled when they were not given everything in their father’s will. The woman who loves and takes care of her husband is the one who should inherit the estate.
But, all of the children should inherit equally when the last spouse dies. Mirror wills and trust between spouses is a must! It is important for the children to know they are loved and not forgotten.
The real question is not, who should get the money? The real question is which is more important to you – the money, or your parent?
No one has a right to an inheritance…No One. No, not children, not siblings, not spouses, No One.
The only person/s who have a right to the funds, real estate, and other chattel of an estate are the person/s who own (and usually also who amassed) that estate. The only person/s who should have the right to decide how, and to whom, that estate will be distributed upon their death is the person/s who own that estate.
The primary purpose of an estate should be for the owner/s to use it and spend it for their own enjoyment, as well as maintaining and providing for their own health and comfort from the present until the end of their life. Upon their death, anything remaining in their estate should be distributed according to their wishes, as expressed through their Will.
Their written Will (ideally prepared by an attorney licensed in their state of residency, and familiar with the Laws of Inheritance and Distribution of that state), duly signed and notarized, should be the determining instrument for the distribution of their estate.
If you truly care about your parent, then show them: spend time with them, talk to them, engage with them, be a part of their life, and endeavor to treat them with kindness and care. If you do care, and you show it, you will have an inheritance.
If you truly care, then you won’t be concerned with whether you receive anything; your real reward is that you were blessed with the opportunity to share so much of their life with them. Being a kind and caring person who puts others before their own gain, that is your parent’s true legacy. If you receive an inheritance of money or other parts of their estate, it will be in recognition of your care, attention, kindness, and participation in their life.
Children who truly care don’t spend their time, and (often) their own money, taking care of their parent because they expect a big pay-off when their parent dies. Children who truly care about their parent don’t expect anything in return for the time and care they give; because their satisfaction is not based on gaining wealth, but based on the stories they were told, and the memories they made.
Inheritance is a gift, and the estate owner can give that gift however they see fit, they could give it all to charity, and that is just as right and proper as dividing it equally between their children and their spouse, or just as right and proper as giving it all to their skydiving instructor from 3 months ago; because the only one who has the RIGHT to choose the distribution their estate is the owner of the estate – not their children, or spouse, or siblings.
Which is more important to you – the money, or your parent?
I agree with your friend. I’m also remarried my husband and i both have kids from prior marriage and we have a 5 yr old together. My husbands kids have put us through a great deal. If he passes Im not giving them a penny. ALL are adults now except 16 yr old. I have a 5 year old and Financially Ive had to use money I had prior to marriage to pay his court costs and attorneys fees help him repair a home he got in the divorce and has lost, when he got it she didnt pay mortgage for 3 years. He really wanted his kids to have it. He was wiped clean in divorce and has only 2,500 in his retirement because he took out account to help her years ago. Recently I had to pay an attorney again because she is still getting child support for a 19 yr old hs graduate and a 21 yr old we kept trying to have removed from court case. The 21 yr old actually came to live with us senior yr because he didnt get along with her boyfriend. My husband doesnt feel he needs a will. He has 2 cars in his name older worth less than 6,000 tot 1 car in both of our names, and the home we live in was built last year and is in my name hes not even on the deed. I MADE him change life insurance he has through work to list me as beneficiary it was left to his 4 kids after he divorced wife. Its 80 k. Ive had to pay out thousands because of his ex wife and kids and he cant get another policy for them, we tried. I dont have a moral or legal obligation to Step kids. We almost lost him last year, they will.just be SOL.
well my ex husband of 26 years remarried to a woman with young kids( ours are grown) and we know that she will get everything and my kids are ok with it they feel like they are grown and can make their own money. I do feel like he should leave them something but hey. I was cheated out of my inheritance from my grandfather by a relative, my mother cashed it out. My dad left everything to his 2nd wife and her kids. In other word, every-time I should have inherited something it was taken away. If I do remarry I will not feel guilty if my husband leaves everything to me and no I will not share with his children. I’m owed something in life.
My father-in-law left a will that his children will inherit his land when the stepmother passes. My husband has two sons by a previous marriage. My husband had told me that as his wife I would be an heir if he passed before me. Am I entitled to 1/3 and each son 1/3
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Should a 9 day wife get any part of 401k or pension payout? The deceased mans son is stated as the Sole Beneficiary
NO
I married a widower fours ago after two years of so called, getting to know each other. He has two children from his first wife and I have no children. When we decided to be together, we endured lot of hostility, resentment, anger and all kinds of opposition to our plans of getting married. But we got married anyway. My husband and I brought about the same assets. During our dating time he said that all his assets will be transferred over to me in case he dies prior to me. I’ll transfer his assets to his children when I pass on.
However, he refuses to change the beneficiary on his annuity and retirement account. He dilly dallies writing a will with me, putting things in black and white.
After the death of his wife he made his daughter the sole executor of his estate. Does this document has any validity? Please let me know.
I feel I’m taking care of him in old age, and sharing his concerns, problems. The late wife and the two daughters enjoyed his young, healthy and prosperous life. Now they are with their families, one a physician (a millionaire) and the other an engineer. My husband has met his fatherly duties and all his assets should be mine if I survive him. What do you say!1
I am a widow, My husband of 15 years took his own life, 2 weeks ago, while we were going through a divorce. He has 3 adult children, and we have 2 minor children together. The adult children immediately were trying to take what they want out of our house, and have been requesting things of “their dads” such as…our house, his motorcycle, riding lawn mower, trailer. Basically anything I could possibly use to pay the bills he has not been paying in 3 months. I don’t want to be unfair to any of the 5 kids, but my family has been telling me to wait until my head is clear. I cant move back into that house. Is it unfair to say they can choose smaller memory items, and no one is getting a large item?
I think the spouse should absolutely always be the priority and primary beneficiary. It does not matter how long they have been married. With grown kids from a previous marriage, why should they be getting money especially put aside for retirement and old age living? If the husband predeceases the wife, she has to live! If a chunk goes to a grown child who really does not need it for life and survival, as a retired person does, how is that fair? The husband should absolutely be securing the welfare of his wife if he predeceases her. I can see a small percentage of the retirement funds, no more than 20%, going to a grown child, but that’s it. The woman has to live and could live many years! She is not working and is beyond being able to work or get hired, yet the young adult children are healthy and making their own way. A retirement fund is for the marriage, not the kids! It’s for old age, not young adults! If there are other assets, leave the kids something from those, but not retirement funds!
Another comment is regarding the wife who got all the inheritance and whether or not she “should” share it with the man’s children from another marriage. Absolutely not, not unless she wants to because she has a relationship with them and feels she wants to. Otherwise this is her money — plan and simple. It’s hers. He gave it to her. There are no “shoulds” in this case. It was his to divvy up if he so desired, and he did not. Therefore, it certainly is not necessary for her to be obligated to do so. It was his — he gave it his wife, she is not their mother, that’s what he wanted. End of story. Inserting “shoulds” from outside the matter is simply wrong. Sounds like you may have been that kid, and are mad the 2nd wife didn’t give you what you imagined was due you.
Each family’s situation is different but this situation can create heartache for all, especially if a marriage quickly follows the death of a spouse. This happens many times before family is ready for this change. Should the new spouse be supported and receive all assets? Maybe yes and maybe no. If I am retired and remarried after my spouse passed after 60 years of marriage, why would my new spouse assume that these assets would be left to the exclusive benefit of them and their children? I doubt seriously my spouse that has passed would be happy to know that he worked his entire life to benefit another family at the expense of his own children and grandchildren. I certainly would not be happy if the situation was reversed. Should we remarry and be happy – certainly if it is our choice. Is the next spouse entitled to receive everything- my belief is no. Is it my responsibility to make sure my deceased spouse’s wishes are honored, yes it is. I may be in love, happy and enjoying the balance of my days but reality is at this point in our lives we both came into the marriage with assets derived from the joint effort of our prior spouses and I am not creating new assets. We should enjoy our lives and live as we wish- but if anything remains at the end of my days it should benefit my children and grandchildren. After reading these responses, it doesn’t appear to be a popular position.
So, I’m an Illinois resident my biological father passed on Christmas this year. ( with no will).
My biological parents were married for 23 years. My father is on his third wife. While we have had a bit of a strained relationship it’s all been a direct effect of his current wife and her “ helicopter wife ways” behavior, he was never allowed to be alone be with me or my brother and sadly she never allowed him to see his three young grandchildren. When my father passed I immediately offered my assistance ( ie. financial for his services ect) my head was bitten off. Fine I get it, I was a bit off at this time too, my father was 64, when he departed. We were never kept in the loop, invited to the dinner after the services ( which my father never wanted) and she had everyone of her “ people” come up to us his children and ask us if we were in the “ correct “ room and who are we. My fathers sister was besides herself. We were not offered a death certificate the list goes on. ( I got everything on my own) I tried for weeks to reach out and she completely ghosted myself and my brother.
So I got an attorney, I explained to my leagal council that I really want my family artifacts and some important family history. ( my great grandfather assisted in takingdown Capone) I have an amazing family history. My sibling and I are only asking for family relics of great historical value.
My father’s current wife asked my brother and I to sign a family agreement, and give us nothing personally of our fathers. She wants to “ close” the estate with zero probate and so forth.
Something was not sitting right with me, to be honest I’m in my 40’s I have a good life I’m not rich I’m not poor and I’m not looking for a handout from my fathers passing. I just want our family history.
So with all this I got handed a Will of my biological grandmother ( my dads mom) who passed less then six months before my father. Her will was very deep and detailed all of my father’s siblings including himself got more then six figures each( 5kids) Grandmother was very very clear this money was NOT to go to my father’s wife. She also left her bank account that she had from the late 30’s as a POD account to my father another HUGE amount of money.
I have now offered four times give me the family herliooms and I’ll sign off on whatever and still she refuses to hand anything over, she says everything is her’s and her daughters ( who is from her first marriage) her daughter is in her mid thirties and also well off, her daughter got my father’s brand new car( bought in cash a week before he passed) and 20k, for her recent wedding.
I think my dads wife has sold it all and I’m so heartbroken over it.
With no will and such my lawyer is telling me to push her into probate.
Would I be wrong to do this? I get that there are all these blended families and I completely respect that, and honor it, I also respect the fact that this woman lost her husband but I also lost my father and our relationship was effected by her greatly my brother and I were talking to my dad through a computer video game, I mean come on.
How does her daughter my dads step daughter trump his grandchildren I mean shit leave the heirlooms to the Grandchildren I just don’t understand besides monetary value what sentimental value these artifacts have to her. She got more then 300k that my grandmother specifically asked for her not to touch.
So I guess at this point I don’t want to be the “asshole” older child
What’s right???
I’ll take any and all thoughts on this
No Alex, you aren’t being an ahole. Take it to probate! Let me tell you where I’m coming from on this issue. I am a step-parent of two adults, both who are estranged from my husband, their dad-by their mother.
My husband and I have a will and he has specifically disinherited them because he has tried and tried to communicate and they refuse. Unlike my own dad, he was a loving and involved father all of their growing up years. They don’t even have the courtesy to tell him why they have turned on him (and his family-mom, sister, etc)
I didn’t meet him until well after their divorce and initially seemed to be accepted by his kids. My husband and I are both most likely to inherit plenty of funds ourselves. If I go first, it all goes to him and vice versa (including any inherited money) If I go, he will take care of my two kids and our own child. We have agreed the amounts will be based on age and need.
What my husband doesn’t know is this. If he goes first and because it all goes to me, I will be changing my will to include his children and I’ll tell you why. Because it’s the right thing to do. And shame on them as they cash the check!
So yes, you have EVERY RIGHT to your family heirlooms. Fight her and see if you can make her pay your legal fees. What she’s doing is wrong. Plain and simple. Hopes this helps (and what an interesting family history to share with your own children!) Good luck
My grand dad died Rufus dyke Vincennes Indiana and Edna dyke was 4%owner on land she died now my mom Diana Collins and uncle Bob huebey is divining a oil company said they owe us
I as well have a blended family greed story and also a unfair inheritance story also. Does anyone know where I can share them and also how to write a book on my experiences?? I was not protected when my husband passed suddenly and his 2 children were greedy from the get go. I would love to write a book on each topic. Any ideas; feel free to let me know…thanks, bev
I am a second wife and was married to my husband for 10 years prior to his death earlier this year. He had three bouts of cancer and we shared the responsibility of making the payments and taking care of obligations. I carried the health insurance for him. Anything left was listed with me as the beneficiary including his home that he had lived in prior to our marriage. Needless to say, I did not inherit much money. His children were estranged from him for 12 years and 5 years respectively but now they are coming to me wanting money. I don’t feel I owe them anything. They basically disowned their father until the last 13 days of his life when they came in wanting to take over what type of burial he had, etc. He agreed and did not feel I needed to give them money however, I can give them specific items. I plan to do this however, I am not ready to after 3 months of grieving. I will have them delivered to them.
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