Recently, I was talking to somebody about the topic of wills and inheritances. Our conversation centered on how family issues can play a big role in how things play out, and how situations can get complicated with dividing things up.
The topic of my blog came up, and I mentioned that I’ve written a few posts on this topic of late. First I shared the feedback from my post on siblings dividing an inheritance, and then I brought up my fairly recent post on 401(k) accounts and inheritances. The latter discussed how it’s important for people later in life to understand the specific rules on beneficiaries, as many people end up seeing their money go to someone other than who they thought would get the money. This is particularly true with adult kids and remarriages. Personally, I find this stuff to be fascinating, with the dynamics and dilemmas that are involved in such situations.
The conversation ended up going to a story that this friend told me about someone he knew (might have been extended family, but I missed that detail) whose uncle had remarried later in life, after having 2 kids from his first marriage. The man married a woman who had kids from her first marriage as well; it was either 2 or 3 kids – again, don’t remember that detail. What’s most important is that they remarried later in life, and both had multiple grown children coming into this union.
Anyway, the man died after a few short years of marriage, and left his assets to his new wife. All his assets. She got everything.
Now, he was very close to his adult kids. Additionally, for years prior to getting remarried, he had told them that eventually they would get everything he had. However, upon getting remarried, something changed in that equation. Whether he got swept up in marriage, or it was an oversight, or whatever the reason was, his will indicated that his assets would pass to the 2nd wife. That’s right: his adult kids would get nothing, even though he was very close to them.
Now, she was apparently fairly well off, and had seemingly accumulated a decent nest egg, as his story went. My friend didn’t know the specifics, but apparently the woman’s first husband died and she had a sum of money from that marriage. He assumed she might have had more money than her husband – the person my friend knew.
What did the woman do with the inheritance? She kept it, using it for herself and her own kids.
That’s where I’m left to disagree with that approach.
My friend had more of an “it is what it is” opinion about this. In other words, he had the view that it was her money, so the woman could do what she wanted with it. If her husband gave her the money, it’s hers. He wanted to give it to her, so why shouldn’t she take it?
My view is different. While I acknowledge that the money would legally belong to the woman since she inherited it, morally and ethically she should share it with the man’s adult kids. My reasoning is this: they were a part of their father’s life from the moment they were born up until his very end, which means their birth to their 30’s. The second wife in the remarriage was only his wife for a few short years later in life. Thus, they should get priority. Even if he didn’t have them in the will, it seems like the right thing to do for her to either:
- Give his assets to them entirely; or
- Give most of his assets to them entirely, and keep a small portion for herself.
My friend’s comments were along the lines of the wife needs to come first, before kids, even if she was married for just one day rather than a few short years as was actually the case. The thinking was that this follows his view of the hierarchy of a man’s responsibilities and that the kids are younger and can take care of themselves easier.
My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money.
Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.
Again, she’s apparently not poor and already had assets of her own already.
My Questions for You:
1. Who do you agree with: my friend, or me?
2. While this may seem impossible to picture yourself in that woman’s situation, what would you do if you were a spouse in her exact situation? How would you handle it, considering the factors I mentioned
Please feel free to share this article with anyone dealing with a blended family situation who could benefit from reading it. It’s great to raise awareness of such issues, and let people know that they’re not alone in managing this type of situation.
I married my husband. a widower, when I was 60 , he was 70; Twenty years late I am 80, he is 90. Due to a irrevocable trust, where his first wife left her share of
community property to granddaughter, we are now struggling along. My
has small apt complex, 14 apts. rent control. poor area. He is responsible for
all upkeep and expenses. He recent spent six month rehabbing an apt. The pats
are old and difficult to keep up, tenants come and go. When he dies apts go to
granddaughter. We are in servitude until my husband dies, barely getting along.
We get no help from 40 hear old granddaughter. She is not close to her grandfather. Just waiting for her inheritance.
I’m in a similar situation. I was with my husband 6 years …’married only 1 and 1/2 years. We shared everything together and bought everything together. We both worked hard everyday of ours lives and took care of each other well. Regardless of our children from previous relationships, we left the majority of our money to each other because we both agreed that God ordained it that way and that a true husband and wife bond is greater any bond in this world as the Bible spake. God first, husband, wife, then children regardless of how long you’ve been together.
So by saying all of this, I think I deserve what he left me because we accumulated all these bills and debts together and we created this lifestyle. The kids don’t have anything to maintain but I do. If he didn’t want me to have it, he wouldn’t have left it to me.
He may have found it easier to let you believe that than to fight with you on a daily basis on finances. When your time comes, split the remaining assets equally between ALL the kids no matter who’s kids they are!
I agree with you a 100 %
I am in that same situation. I agree with Jackie. It is what it is.
I disagree with your attitude 100%
Just because you came along does not mean his children no longer exist! As for him giving it to you because he wanted you to have it, more likely then not he didn’t realize that you would become so greedy as to just completely cut his children out,, that’s sad and a bit evil- you’d take care of your own blood children correct? Then why not atleast share with his children especially if they struggle financially?! That’s heartless and awful of you
I am an adult child of a father who rewrote his will to leave everything to his second wife. My father ensured his wife’s will instructed that everything is left to her children in the event of her passing. He is of the mind that a husband takes care of his spouse. I will do things differently with my children but I adore my father and my mother did not explicitly state that any money should be left to us. It is his money to do with as he wishes. I think this is common in many families and am working through not feeling sad/bitter about it.
You are correct. My father died first and his wife got all my family heirloom and pictures. When she died her son took everything. I have recieved nothing and he doesn’t plan on giving me back my family jewelry or pictures. Doesn’t seem fare just because my dad died first that he gets to keep everything. That law needs to be changed
So true. That why I’m leaving all my asset to my kids. Why should she and her kids have everything I paid for alone without her help.
I totally so agree with this point of view,he obviously felt they were grown and could provide for themselves,the wife on the other hand is up in age needed to be provided for and if he wanted his children to be beneficiaries,he would have willed it,also there are other considerations involved here such as how his children and other family treated her during the marriage etc so this is actually a personal matter for the wife to decide how it should be handled.
Well this is what happened to me. My husband passed away a couple of years ago. He had a Will that provided me with the house we lived in and I was to manage the estate and keep 25% of the income and give 75% to his children. Everything in the house and things we shared were to be mine. We had lived and worked together for 7 years been married for 5 years. His children didn’t live or work on the ranch. Did not even visit with him. Well his children did not want me to have anything. They went against his Will and took Everything. Except his bills I got all the debt. Even took things I bought after his death. I don’t understand how they think that’s right. I would never be that greedy. With the heart ache of losing my best friend. To the devastation of losing my home and my income. I lost everything
My father is leaving his house to his second wife, my mother was the first wife. I have never lived in the house but he bought this house from money he made during his first marriage and whatever he got in retirement. The house should be left to his second wife. But then revert back to his children from his first marriage,me and my sister,after she passes. But he left it solely to the second wife. Her children, not by my father and never lived with them, then gets the house after she passes. This I feel is stab in my heart. Is this how it’s usually done? Am I overreacting.
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I have been with my husband for 16 years. He has 3 grown sons and a total of 4 grandsons. I have a daughter he helped raise since she was 11 and she is also grown now with our youngest grandson out of the 5 grandsons. He has been spending most of his time with his eldest son and his 3 sons in that I mean we leave 2 hours away from them and he helps coach the kids soccer teams which puts him not at home on Monday nights returning on tues. Then he leaves on thurs. And sometimes does not return until sat evening r sunday morning.. which really I miss my husband .. recently there was a hurricane where the mother of his kids who is also remarried their house flooded so she is living with the oldest son only her not her husband he still resides at their home.. my husband is now going to their house also on sat night to babysit for them while his xwife is there and sometimes her husband as well. Not only all this but all 3 of his sons r grown with means to take care of themselves I on the other hand have been with my husband for going on 17 years and have not worked because he does not want me to. But he had a life insurance policy for 90k that he has left to hos sons none of it to me. I also signed a prenup when we got married that his buisness was his and I was no part of it which is also left to huh is sons.. recently we have been arguing over alot of this and he acts like I am being selfish and greedy but I honestly dont think I am his kids r grown and r able to provide for them selves.. the home we live in is set to go to them as well as the life insurance I love him beyond words but I feel I am being put way at the bottom of the totem pole am I crazy? I am so hurt over all this..
I haven’t signed a prenup, but his business and life insurance plus cash all go to his kids. Mortgage is $848 , has another loan,$334, he’s 60. I don’t pay it but it still takes his income. I kept my home , it’s paid for, he claims I can live here if he dies before me, but , there is no paperwork. I don’t think it would go over that easy. Before we married he talked about getting a policy with me as beneficiary, never did , now too old.
No, your not crazy! Your husband should ensure you are also taken care of after he is gone. I hope you have talked to him about this and expressed your concerns as they are valid.
I suggest you both go to a professional and get help finding an equitable solution. You need to ensure, you are able to sustain yourself after your husband is gone. Anything you both have accumulated since marriage should be split.
Im sorry to hear this… my situation is similair in that he didnt want me to work although I told him I needed to for retirement purposes.. He made me benificiary I would never agree to your situation. When I read it, it made me feel like he didnt love you but just use you for companion… God says it best when he says the man puts his wife first… my husband is leaving me everything if he goes first. If he goes before me I will leave his kids and mine each some money… vice versa for him… I do own my own home before we married. I also own more property then him… He does get military retirement but I wont get any of that after he dies so hes leaving me his 401k and other investment to live on because I wont have near that when he passes… I could continue to work and build more retirement for myself but since he do this for me I dont work to retire with him…. I think thus is fair… I would be scared to be in a situation like yours…. Hopefully you have your own stuff prior to marriage to help you survive!
No Holly you’re not crazy. I recently married a man that refuses to provide for me in his estate upon his death. He did agree to leave me the house in the event of his death, but the home will have to be sold because i wouldn’t be able to afford the upkeep. He literally left everything to his adult kids and feels like his estate plan is adequate the way it is. I feel very resentful and angry about the situation, feeling that he doesn’t love me and doesn’t care about my well being. I advise clients about estate planning and so I generally see how men are concerned about their wives which makes it even worse to see his lack of caring. When we argue about it because I feel unloved by him, he calls me selfish. I try and put it out of my mind and just focus on positive things, but it inevitably it pops back in. It definitely feels like a lack of caring and doesn’t feel right to me, and I will probably leave him as a result.
Then you shouldn’t have married him. You knew going into the marriage he had children, it was your choice to take him as your husband. He is doing nothing wrong providing for his children, it’s what good parents do, try to make life a little easier for their children’s lives then they had it. People who are choosing to marry later in life to people that have children from previous marriage/relationship knew about the children’s existence and if you haven’t already worked and provided for yourself ( or received something from a previous spouse through divorce) then marry someone without children!! Or if you love someone later in life that does have children, why at 65+ even bother getting married? If you’re heart isn’t big enough to care for your husband’s children as if they were your own….don’t get married.
Shouldnt “he” also be held to the same moral that the wife’s children should also be treated as his own also?
I am very much in love with a man in our later years after one very messy divorce for me and 2 for him. I met him on the verge of a bankruptcy and losing 1/2 of all his retirement. I’m 55 and he turns 63 this year. Been together 7 yrs.
Originally we agreed we both will to eachother our life insurance policies. When his daughter (of 5 children) got wind of that she went nuts and our relationship between me and her and me and the man I love has changed. I chose to live in his home he has instead of pushing as I truly wanted to buy something else together. I dont feel safe. If age decides our fate I will be left alone, in debt, and homeless if his daughter has any recourse and she is quite capable of throwing me out like a rat without a blink of an eye.
This man is my best friend. But very stubborn and treats all these sensitive topics like I am arguing. It’s really damaged our wonderful bond. This situation has deteriorated our relationship and after years I am back alone with nothing and starting over basically alone.
Let’s not forget, living there I spent thousands in living expenses, remodeling, bills, gifts, and invested alot of my own money in this home with him. Now I’m left with nothing. That’s not right either and I’m scared to death if I turn my cheek and just concentrate on is and keep spending money there I will be old and homeless and very very scared over one child who feels she can take everything from us because HE IS HER DADDY!
Why don’t you have any income or savings of your own? Why are you relying on your husbands estate? Being a woman myself, I am tired of women who don’t take financial responsibility for their own lives and then whine when a man won’t provide for them. Of course his first children should inherit a share of the assets – how is he to know you won’t just spend it all on yourself after his death?
I feel the same way. Just got into a marriage June 2019 and I wish we discussed this before. The prenup word came up a few weeks before the wedding and his mother and children went to his attorney. He told me he was not going to do a prenup. Found out a year after we married he did something different that was worse than a prenup.
I refuse to work for his businesses and helping his empire grow. He put all his assets into a trust that I have no say to. Basically his mother and kids got what they wanted made sure I was out. Now I’m a slave to the riches they gain when he passes and my hard labor that I kill myself at work for each day goes to them. They do nothing to earn a penny of it. I decided to build my own business and grow my own empire in doing what I love to do and not live for them. Many people may believe that the children which are all adults but one should be entitled to his assets and money when and if he passes.I tend to agree that a husband and wife become one when they marry, therefore it goes to either or if one should pass. If I sat around and spent his monies all day long like his kids and mother do then I can understand but I earn my spot.
Money is always a sticky topic and a root to all evil.
Holly,
You are not crazy, I would be feeling exactly the way you are! This is all pretty disturbing. I hate to say this, but, I would not trust a man like him! What exactly are you there for? What are you worth to him? I see where his priorities are and where his loyalty is.
To Holly,
You are in a sad position. If I’m understanding this correctly, this husband of yours – after keeping you out of the workforce – has apparently made zero provisions for you should he predecease you.
You should talk to an attorney about DIVORCE.
That way, you might end up with some maintenance now, instead of nothing later. Good luck.
I agree with this point of view. Maintenance now vs. nothing later. He doesn’t even seem to be giving you much companionship. I’m sorry!
If the children from the first marriage should get the bigger portion, it will be unfair AS the second wife contributed to all the bills and maintenance of the home
eg. In the event she is over 70, where must she go? To the street? Who is going to maintain her cars and medical etc. Those kids can all wait till she also passes away before getting anything at all. He should have rather taken out a life policy for the children to be split between them and explained in his will the reason why.
The problem is MOST men in 2nd marriages do this nowadays to their new wives, leave them with nothing. So, what was she? A good lay, and a good cook and slave for him, to be sitting on the streets afterwards? No, it is unacceptable.
Yeah. Sorry the wife is just some lady, in my book. The kids come first. They’re his and they’ve been part of his life their entire lives. You should love your husband but don’t expect anything from him. My will is explicit in my wife getting nothing and leaving her care for my kids to decide.
I see, I do not want anything from him, if I had a him, and yes, his kids are his, so is my kids mine. And also yes, my will is explicit in the event that I ever marry again, he gets nothing at all. Which means, I will resort to a LAT thing, living apart but together, which means, I will not look after him if he becomes ill, nor pay for anything that he requires and visa versa.
Thank you for clarify a wife is just some lady in your book. This is the very reason why I assist women in this situation and the very reason why me, myself will never marry again nor move in with someone, as your post said, just some lady in your book, which clarifies what we all already knew, most women are being USED and tossed aside.
complete hogwas…. women always fare well in these situations.
“Just some lady in your notebook” So you married some woman off the street to keep your bed warm? Just how shallow of a jerk are you?
I think that is absolutely terrible, and frankly, unethical. Does your wife support that or merely tolerate it? How sad.
Simple, If it was “unacceptable” then don’t get married to that person. It should be children before 2nd wife as the 2nd absolutely may not treat his children as she would her own and this is occurring way to frequently where 2nd wife comes in, tells husband she’ll take care of his kids if he dies, then time comes and she is able to say Nope, it’s all mine, don’t care if you struggle and I don’t even need it, I’m keeping it because I’m his wife and I can.
My point exactly. It feel like I am a pawn in a very cruel game with no way to win. Just age, be a good woman to him and then pick a street to live on at 70-80 years old… very scary.
I am assisting currently about 20 older women in this situation. I see what the second husbands did to them. It is like they seek out these women, made her sell all that she had, put it in their name (new husbands name) afterwards, and transfer it to their own kids, leaving the second wife to loose everything, WHILE she was married to him, helped paying his debt, supportive of his kids, maintaining the home and him too,, to be USED only for HIS gain. The second wife always looses. If there are one or two who actually gets anything from their husbands, let them have it, It is indeed RARE for a second wife to inherit anything at all like stated above.
She, on the other hand, is old now, she is going to need it to pay medical bills, frail care later for herself, etc. I would rather say let the second wife get 75 percent of all and if he does not want to leave her anything after he USED HER for a time, then what SHOULD be included in the marriage contract is a life policy paid out to her asap of no less than 3 million, so that she can survive as he is going to leave her on the streets one day. And for that, I would not even consider marrying again, it is way too risky. You give your all, you take his kids nonsense, you help pay bills, you cook, clean, give whatever is asked, KNOWING there is the possibility of a will be changed a week before someone dies or even a day. Leaving YOU on the streets at a much higher age with nothing.
Easy for people to say HIS kids should inherit most etc, but WHO stood by him his last years? So, it is suggested now someone wants the kids to have most KNOWING that the 2nd wife PAID for most of the maintenance, debt, supported him, merged her finances with HIS etc so the KIDS do not have to fork out a cent in debt or maintenance of the place or cars etc.
“My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money. REALLY? THEN THOSE KIDS SHOULD ALSO FIRST PAY BACK ALL THAT THE SECOND WIFE LOST WHEN SHE MARRIED THEIR FATHER. Like, her HOME she invested in THEIR marriage, like all of her savings SHE invested in his home etc like his DEBT she inherited that she also helped pay off as well as HIS children studies etc.
“Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.” ADULT KIDS should not solely rely on a PARENT for inheritance to survive. From a religious perspective, any religion, a MAN AND WOMAN MARRIED IS ONE, which means the two should take care of each other till death do us part. So, what is the suggestion here> that the 2nd wife is NOT forming a ONE BOND with her 2nd husband and because of that, she is NOT entitled to much, but she is OBLIGED to serve him and his needs? He can rather make a stipulation IF HE SO DESIRES in his will, that what is LEFT of his estate if the wife dies, should be split equally between ALL KIDS, not just HIS and if it bothers him so much, then take out a policy insurance for his OWN KIDS. He does not have to give her kids anything, it is not his kids, but she should not give HIS kids also anything at all. It was HIS AND HERS from the marriage and it should stay that way till she also passes.
And this is the very reason why most older people do not marry again. It has become too risky, as ONE person is constantly loosing and that person is normally the 2nd wife.
Jenna, I could not disagree with you more. I personally know several people who are children from a first marriage and in each case the father remarried (most later in life) and had everything put in husband/wife’s names and every time the 2nd wife promised to help his children out should he pass first and 2nd wife took everything. Not just pension, 401k stocks bonds, life insurance (things that yes, I feel should go to spouse) but also family homes, businesses etc, things that were owned and paid for before that marriage, all going to 2nd wife and HER kids. Once he’s gone, 2nd wives greed kicked in (some didn’t even need or want the property and one despicable 2nd wife actually sold house and gifted the money to her grandson just because she could!) Thats just evil. In 2nd marriages with children people need to make sure they take care of their own, put it in a trust to secure it for kids. Any wife that can’t understand parents want their children to do a little better or have it a little easier then they had it, should choose not to marry someone with kids.
I would like some input. I’m 62 and my husband is 70. Second marriage for both. Married 5 years….My husband never had children and his first wife (who was a stay at home wife) had a daughter and she had one grandchild. I have 2 grown adult children and a grandchild. His wife died after 20 years of marriage and after he married me her daughter and granddaughter were not happy so they don’t have anything to do with him anymore. We have our will set up for each other but if we die together it would be split 5 ways between all the kids. I want to change the will because I feel like everything I’ve contributed is going to 2 people I’ve never met and who want nothing to do with my husband. He refuses to change the will because he made a promise to his wife that he would take care of her daughter (47 years old)and granddaughter… Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I am in that actual situation. My mom recently passed away and my stepdad obviously has the title of two homes and other accounts. But, I was her only daughter and I just had a baby. He wants to get married again which is fine but she does have five adult kids. my mom always said that she wanted for me to keep the house but now this woman is changing his mind and he wants for her to live in that house. I no longer want anything to do with him because I hate people that have no loyalty and I know it hurts him the fact that I took his granddaughter away from him but those are the consequences when somebody disrespects my mother’s memory and takes away security that she had left me. We just did a trust and he did leave everything in my name. So, no disrespect but once he dies I’m kicking her out. It is not fair that my mother was the main breadwinner for some other female to live in it, I do not think so!
Good for you Jenessa!
When my parents divorced my mother agreed to allow my father to keep the house that she’d help pay for only under the agreement that he’d pass the house into me when he died. He had some serious mental health issues that he refused to get help for but I never could have guessed what the 2nd wife would talk him into.
My mom could have made him sell it and split the money but they both wanted the home to come to me so she went without. She ended up moving back into a really old unit of a row home that her family owned before my parents were married.
He gave her a total of $20K (the house was worth $160K) and she even forfeited her rights to his pension and 401K. Gave it all up thinking she would be helping me out down the road. (I argued with her, but she insisted that’s what parents do, they look out for their kids)
Well, my dad remarried later in life (60) My stepmother and I discussed the agreement he had with my mom on his staying in that house and she was fully informed that it was to pass to me, she told me that she had no interest in the house, had her own house from her first husband didn’t want or need any of my dad’s money (he had another $30K left in the bank) that she had her own money and that all her kids had already built their own new homes and she understood the house would come to me when he passed away she assured me it would not be any problem. Actually told me she “loved me like one of her own daughters” She was nice to me and I was nice to her, we got along well which made her part in this situation all the more heartbreaking!
After telling me all that she convinced him to fraudulently add her name onto the deed for $1 and with my dad having his mental issues, she took advantage of him apparently in a moment of instability. He could be completely coherent and fine one minute and totally irresponsible and erratic the next. He could do some terrible things when he’d be having a bad day, then completely deny his actions the next. My mom knowing that should have made sure he had put the house into the trust before agreeing to take her name off the deed. Again, he would never agree to go seek professional help, wouldn’t even go to a primary care doctor for a health check up.
Neither of them told me, not even when my dad found out he was dying from cancer (only found that out when he fell and broke his hip and had to go to the hospital, so he didn’t have any choice) he didn’t mention to me that he did this -or maybe didn’t even know- but he told me continuously how he and my mom had worked so hard all their lives for me to have it easier then they had it and how I’d always have that house to help me out financially when I’d be “old” and need some help due to my own health issues, (Ehlers Danlos) and how I would be able to retire younger then him and take care of myself! He said my stepmother made out very well in her divorce from her first husband so she was “already taken care of “
I didn’t find out until he passed away and my stepmother informed me she’d be selling the house and giving the money to her family because it’s make a nice “gift” for them. See, she really didn’t need it and moved back into her house from her first husband. That part of what she had told me was true, it’s all the rest that was pure BS and greed.
I pulled the deed up and saw that sure enough he added her name for $1 and called a lawyer.
The lawyer informed me that if I had found out while he was still alive I could have had that corrected because I have my parents divorce decree ordering my father to put the house into a trust for me, but because he has now passed away there’s nothing I can do. She didn’t need anything financially from him yet she took everything he had including the house that was supposed to be protected for me.
She knows I have health issues and tons of medical bills, that I continue to struggle working full time in constant pain and that my inheritance (and yes, something promised to me by both of my parents and court ordered absolutely should have been passed onto me) would have been life changing for me and she just gave it away like it was nothing at all.
I am so happy for you that you got your situation straightened out before it became too late. I hadn’t checked on it while he was alive be it was my DAD and I always got along well with my stepmom, I had no clue what she had planned and only now do I know how truly heartless and evil? she actually is!!
Jenessa, What a terrible and selfish thing of you to do! You aren’t entitled to anything legally or morally. How about you get a job and earn your own money. Stop preying on your stepdad and hoping he dies to collect money. I hope his new wife comes to her senses and changes the trust. For all you know, she could have had him change the trust, and you won’t inherit a dime.
Jenessa,
You have just had a baby, and are probably feeling quite vulnerable right now.
You are in obvious pain about this, but be aware that it is mostly self-inflicted.
Don’t dismiss your father as being “disloyal” to you without looking at things from his perspective. He still has many years ahead of him, and whatever financial plans he and his wife make are probably taking into consideration a lot more than what you are privy to.
It is interesting to read how so many of these posts make the “new wife” or “step mother” out as having been poor and penniless or without any assets before marrying Daddy Moneybags, who – prior to the marriage – supposedly made unconditional promises to his children that they would inherit his vast fortune, riches, and billions of dollars – but now some destitute gold-digger has just shown up and robbed them of their future financial security and now “she gets everything”.
PLEASE!! What a narrative.
This is so lame.
Many young adult children dont realize that their family’s “fortune” and parent’s “security” is not what they assume it to be. They haven’t sat down and seen the bills their parent’s face, don’t know the insurance, taxes, costs of LTC, desire to make sure they have money to travel, have fun in their Golden Years, and the hope of “not becoming a burden on their children” in their old age.
People take out second mortgages on their homes and loose equity, borrow from their 401(k)s and other retirement accounts; they make bad investments, drive cars they can’t afford, make mistakes at every age, have big medical bills, legal bills, expensive hobbies and club memberships…… don’t assume you have a clue about money or assets you don’t control and don’t have access to, where you can investigate every single account and the history that goes with it.
Your resentment has not only killed the relationship you have with your father – it is going to also kill you in the long run, slowly and painfully.
I advise you reopen the lines of communication with your father, and expect nothing financially from him. Realize that life is full of changes, and you really don’t know his big picture.
Living in the past leads to depression; living in the future leads to anxiety. Live for today, for your baby.
Your life, self-confidence and ability to be independent and self-reliant will be increase as long as you don’t make the mistake of confusing your parent’s money as your own.
Wow you are evil. May God have mercy on your soul
My husband of 25 years passed away November 2018. He has 3 children by his previous wife who passed away. I have 3 children from a previous marriage.
My husband’s 3 children (my step children) want me to sign everything over to them but give me my lifetime at my home that is solely in my name only… My husband had a Will but it was not signed by a notary, therefore it has been thrown out by the probate court. What to do?
I’d consult an attorney maybe? Other than that, the children don’t get to dictate anything. Keep what’s yours and tell them that you’ll leave the rest to them when YOU pass. It’s rather bold to ask you to sign everything over to them.
My husband and I each have two grown (adult) children from previous marriages; we’ve been married eight years.
He retired early in life – but without enough assets to last his years. On top of this, he lived lavishly, travelled and spent a great deal of money on his hobby (sailing). He also invested poorly, and lost a lot of money.
When we married, we were about on equal footing with how much we each brought into the marriage – but he didn’t inform me how speculative his investments were…..and ultimately he lost nearly everything. Thankfully I have handled my own investments separately and conservatively.
As he depleted his liquid assets, he refused to modify his lifestyle or get a job, consequently I have been supporting us (I have assets, as I have worked, scrimped, saved and sold a successful business). This would be ok – as I married him “for better or worse, for richer or poorer…” – EXCEPT that he refuses to tell his children that he no longer has money, and that his only income is a $1000 monthly Social Security deposit. They have the impression he has deep-pockets (my fault, as I have supported him to keep up with his boating, etc). He is too embarrassed to let them in on his financial condition, and dispenses half-truths to them about money and “our” resources. They presume that “he takes care of me” and that I live off of his dime.
It is very stressful. I told him we need an “All Family Meeting”: his kids, my kids and us, and get this out into the open. He will not allow for it, as he feels ashamed.
If he dies before me they will wonder where all their supposed inheiritance is – and will be very upset to learn there isn’t any. For this reason I maintain a very careful paper-trail. I don’t want his children to think I have taken anything from him, or them.
The important lesson in this is not to assume things can’t or won’t change financially for your parents as they get older. Unless you are in the thick of their money (investment and bank accounts fully disclosed to you) then you are probably not getting the whole, real picture presented to you. In talking with other step-mothers in comparable situations, I am learning that Dad’s often tell their adult children what they think they want to hear, which might not be accurate. This is done in order to sustain an image of a generous father, grandfather and successful provider.
My mom and dad were married 30 years then divorced. He remarried and they were together approximately 20 years. She had nothing coming into the marriage. My dad recently passed There was no will in signed by him. Current wife received everything my dad worked for. My problem is she has already put the house they lived in up for sale and bought another one and put it in her sons name! My dad didn’t raise her kids and they had their own father but are benefiting from my dad and his 4 kids get nothing he worked all those years for!
To Mary:
1) How do you know “she had nothing coming into the marriage”?
Do you have access to her financials, or is this something you have just assumed?
• I entered into this (second) marriage with many assets, and have acquired many more (independent of my spouse), since we were married. Still, I am under the impression that my husband’s children think I’m a gold-digger. They are not aware of our financial situation – and my husband wants them kept in the dark as to his monetary status.
2) You also state: “Current wife received everything he worked for”.
They were married for twenty years, which is a long time — a full marriage. During these years they would have built a full life, and acquired (or lost or spent down) plenty of assets together during this time.
• Some adult children get confused, and think their parent’s money belongs to them. Make sure you don’t do this.
3) If he had been married to your biological mother when he died, would you still be as upset?
• How receptive have you been to your father’s wife over the twenty years they were together? You don’t have to like her, but you should at least acknowledge her yearly with a token birthday gift and a card, and send her a Christmas gift, even after his death. She spent twenty years with your father, building a life and caring for him. Sounds like you don’t want her in your life, no matter how much your father loved her — but you only care about his money you assume he had and want his unknown a$$ets. Is this true? Perhaps she was his greatest treasure, and you have elected to throw her aside. This says more about you than it does about them.
4) Do you know your father’s wife’s plans upon her death? Perhaps she plans to divide everything up between all the children – his and hers. Are you assuming the worst without knowing all the facts?
• Establish a positive line of communication, and then you can ask this question of her. She is (probably) older than you, and will need assets to retire on, even potentially for long-term care – so there might not be anything left after her death. Spouses often make plans to care for one another…..the assumption is their adult children are capable of caring for themselves.
Thankyou for saying that so well !!! I’m about to be a second wife I worry about these things , my husband has a 19 year old daughter who is very entitled.
Wow.. the fact you say she is entitled shows the rot in your heart. That’s his child and was there before you. I doubt you will be singing the same tune if that was your child
Mary,
This was very well said. I am a second wife and my husband’s children despise me. His 16 year old actually told me she didn’t like me because of “their inheritance”, even though he hasn’t provided for me in the event of his death. I don’t know if they know this or not. They probably are aware of it, knowing how controlling they are with their father.
To PinkandYellow:
In defense of Mary since you seemed to have your own presumptions in your response to her, “If he had been married to your biological mother when he died would you still be as upset?”
That question doesn’t even make sense, if Mary’s mother and father were still married when he died, her own mother wouldn’t have sold the house and put it into another woman’s son’s name.
As far as not knowing the stepmother’s future plans, if they included helping Mary the new house she paid for from the sale of Mary’s fathers house wouldn’t have been put into her son’s name if she’d planned to help Mary down the line.
And you PinkandYellow don’t know if that house was something Mary’s father owned going into his second marriage! If the 2nd wife also had a house before that marriage and sold it that money should have been kept in a way as to be her seperate property before marriage, as should his have.
P.S. As far as keeping the line of communication open with stepmother, once they claim everything belongs to them and share nothing at all with their husband’s children, many 2nd wives no longer want anything to do with children that aren’t their own blood anymore.
I have been married to my second husband for 25 years and he has three adult children and adult Grandchildren he has not seen them for 20 years not even a phone call (maybe a call one every couple of years never from his adult grandchildren) when he got sick they never went to see him or call I called them to tell them their father past away and they never even came to his funeral in his will he left everything to me and named his children by name that they are to get nothing in NY should they get anything.
My husband and I have been together 30 years, married 27 years. He has three adult children all in their 30’s from his first marriage. I have a son and a daughter from my previous marriage. My husband has a life insurance policy that has me and his three children as beneficiaries. About 18 years ago, he took out an insurance policy with my daughter as beneficiary. Suddenly, after all these years, a letter from the insurance company arrives stating that my husband has removed my daughter as beneficiary and made this three children the beneficiaries even though they are already beneficiaries on a much larger insurance policy. I would not have known he did this if I had not opened the letter from the insurance company. I am really upset over this and now I want to see the beneficiaries on all policies and investment accounts. I consider this that he has lied to me and I don’t know why.
Marcia,
If the life insurance policy with your daughter as beneficiary was purchased AFTER you were married, then you should get in touch with the Life Insurance company right away. In some States, beneficiaries are not allowed to be changed unless the spouse signs-off on it.
I don’t know your situation, but this might be worth looking into.
This same rule usually applies for 401k, pensions, IRAs — the money that went into such accounts (in many instances) — cannot be attributed to another beneficiary other than a spouse, unless the spouse signs-off on it, and these signatures often need to be notarized.
A marriage of 27 years is significant, and hopefully you and your spouse can resolve this and he can regain your trust.
I am 52, my husband is 58. We Have been married 16 years and he has 3 kids, I have none. Kids are all in 20’s and on own. When I met him, he was broke from first divorce. We both have great jobs in healthcare. He wants to leave his kids 50% of everything including a life insurance policy he bought for them to the tune of $1500 a month of which he pays for out of our joint income. We don’t have a prenuptial and I have supported him and his career and two or three kids have resided with us. I am angry as we don’t own our home, and our investments are tanking. After a 16 year marriage and all I have done. I believe I should first and priority as I contributed my entire marriage to everything and enabled him to be successful taking the majority of the stress when kids were young
To Mary,
You should check with an attorney about this life insurance he has purchased, or is purchasing. A
$1500 per month premium is substantial, and you should find out why YOU are not the beneficiary, as in some States, the spouse must be the first in line, unless they agree not to be. If these are joint assets, you have every right to know the answer.
AN IMPORTANT NOTE: In some divorce settlements, a parent agrees to (or is Court ordered) to keep a life insurance policy in place on themselves – with the children as beneficiaries – until the children either reach the age of majority, or have concluded their higher educations. This is usually done with inexpensive term-life insurance, and is intended to protect the children financially and to provide for their futures should the parent die, and is quite fair. Afterward the last child comes of age, or matriculates college, the insurance is usually dropped.
If this is the scenario you are looking at, then it puts a different spin on things if that is the obligation he’s under (still….$1500 per month).
However: If all the children are now independent and on their own, then you should discuss that the insurance (A) Be dropped or (B) YOU are to be named as the primary beneficiary, particularly if these are joint funds.
There are two sides to every story. I am in a position/marriage that does involve an inheritance and stepchildren. I have children from a previous marriage, 3 adults one minor. He has 2 adult children. Since we have married his daughter had shown disrespect behavior and entitlement. There was a large inheritance left to my husband from his father. His children, their mother and his ex in-laws expect everything to be handed to these children. The way I see it, the money he inherited was from his father, that money should be left to his children. The equity in my home that was mine, should be left to my children. Anything we build together from the point of marriage should be left to all children. If he should pass away, I will honor that, however it will be set up in my will. Some children behave so badly toward the stepparent after the death a parent that it ultimately triggers a counterproductive result. For whatever reason, the husband left it all to his wife, his money his choice. Frankly, he doesn’t owe them anything. He earned the money, there was most likely a good reason he did not leave his kids the money.
Charlotte
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A couple of days ago I found out that my stepfather has cancer and it’s terminal. My mom married my stepdad in 1972 when her three children were 2, 8 and 10. He and his 13 year old daughter moved into our home at that time.
My mom passed away in 2007. At the time of her passing my stepdad said they have a will and when he passes everything would be divided equally among all four of us daughters. My stepdad has had dementia for about two years. About nine months ago my stepsister told me she was taking my stepdad to the bank to become his power of attorney. She told me yesterday that while they were at the bank doing the P.O.A. her father decided to change the will and is leaving her everything. My stepdad has been living on SS plus my mom’s pension and health insurance plan. This doesn’t feel right to me. If his dementia was bad enough for her to get P.O.A. then how was he able to “decide” to change his will on his own? It’s really not about the money but more about the fact that we were a family and it feels wrong that just because our mom is no longer alive and her father is that she will get the entire estate.
Holly, your story is incredibly sad to me. Fortunately, in some states, if your step-father was actually diagnosed with dementia by a doctor, then he wouldn’t legally be able to change his will. Something like this happened to my mother, but she did not contest it. I believe that you should contest it! It would not cost a lot to call a lawyer and spend a little time and money getting their advice. I believe that it’s worth it. Just try to find a lawyer who comes highly recommended by a trusted friend or co-worker. I wish you the best!
Call elderly abuse and have it investigated
Holly,
Also – if your Dad has dementia, and his Will was changed, you can have Adult Protective Services in your area investigate if he’s been a victim here of financial exploitation. Itight be worth looking into, and would cost you nothing.
My Dad remarried & she slowly pushed me out of his life. She made him change his will and his life insurance, to leave everything to her.
Before her, the house (where I grew up & my Dad had for over 50 years) was to go to me. Then he changed it to where it would be sold and split between her, myself and my brother. His life ins. was also to be split.
Somewhere along the way, she made him change everything. Then he developed Dementia… she made fun of him for forgetting. She wouldn’t let me speak to him on the phone without her listening, and teasing him. Then he was injured March 2019 and basically unable to make any decisions, ever again. He supposedly fell down 2 steps, and the anesthesia from the surgery to repair his hip aggravated his Dementia. He never recovered. She refused to put me on the list of family, so I couldn’t even call the nursing home to get updates on his condition. I later found out she also cut him off from the rest of the family.
And no, he was not obligated to leave anything to me or my brother. But the fact that he had, and she made him change it and leave everything to her… and I have no idea when she made him change it. Was it after his Dementia diagnosis… who knows?
She sold the house and everything in it, I found this out when my Dad died in January 2020. She sold the house in June 2019.
So, now she’s left with everything & I’m sure she’s sharing with HER kids… and I don’t even have a family photo album. I hate her, so much!
You deserve what he left you as his wife period and don’t let anyone make you feel badly about your choice to accept what he left you,he had his reasons for doing what he did,he wanted you to be comfortable…try to be happy and not to worry about other’s opinions about your life.
I Am in this situation if my husband dies first. For 16 years everything was going to my stepdaughter. After we were married my husband gave 1/2 of legal ownership to a valuable vinyl collection and 1 yr to find a new place, she through a fit and said she lost the original will he gave her from then. I never complained, I knew this ahead of time. He rewrote a will but refused to let her have it again. Even though she balked. He avoided telling her the new will gave me more. It gave me all the furniture, 1/2 the collection . At this time she married her childhood sweetheart who became a successful lawyer and was also given over 100k from her deceased moms best friend. My husband was providing for a disabled stepchild, her 1/2 sister and needed 100k to give her trust. His daughter demanded the 125k left in the bank to sign it off. He made excuses for that and shrugged it off. When. We were married 13 yrs. he made a new will giving me the whole vinyl collection, 100k and to be able to live till death in house. We were out to dinner when his lawyer son in law kept making cracks because we have a housekeeper thatIdidnt deserve much. At this point my husband said he knew if he died they would make my life miserable, also his daughter stopped allowing him to vrsrt his grandchildren, he allowed others in to see new one at hospital, but not him. She said she also didn’t want him coming over. He left for t days and came home telling me , he was putting the house in my name too, community property w/ right to survivorship also wrote up all of our things the same way. I warned a friend of hers how she was hurting him. She got better but still limited seeing grandkids. If he dies first she will go ballistic. But I will be blamed. There are often reasons adult children with their own money get wrote out. It’s no longer yours
I just happened upon this post because I am looking for direction on a painful circumstance regarding my recently deceased father’s estate. My mom and dad were married for 23 years and my father left my mother for a younger woman (22 years younger) who is 9 years older than me. I was 22 years old when they got married in 1985.
My father and his new wife had a baby together in 1988, a son, who is now 32 years old When they were married 3 years, in 1988, my father retired as his company was taken over and he received a generous payout. It is evident by their lifestyle, over the years, that they have considerable wealth solely from my father’s occupation and retirement payout. Although I did not have to suffer financially growing up, my father’s early retirement provided him with considerable more wealth. My half-brother’s childhood lifestyle was a country club life. He learned how to play golf and tennis, and they went on some fabulous vacations. Each Christmas they sent out cards of the just the 3 of them. They have had a large framed photograph of the 3 of them over their fireplace mantle for over 20 years. All of this was hurtful to me but I tried to maintain a relationship with my father.
As my father became more infirm, I spent more time with him as we live in the same state. My half brother lives 1000 miles away and came home for holidays. After my father passed away last October the relationship became more strained and though we spent some time with them at Christmas, it was different. It was as if we all tried to get along just for my father. Finally after 7 months of hearing nothing about my father’s estate I contacted his wife and asked if I could see his Will. She said that her son wasn’t ready to see it yet but she will see. I received a copy of his Will and Trust and found that my father left everything to his wife and at her passing it will be split equally between my half brother and me. I was heartbroken. I am 58 and he is 32. My father’s second wife’s mother is 95 so conceivably I would be 86 before I see any inheritance.
We scheduled a meeting with the attorney who drafted the plan (all were in attendance) and he appeared surprised that there should be any question. (He was an old stogy ass.) I asked him if he understood the age disparities when he drafted the estate plan and if he tried to advise for this type of blended family. The answer was no. I then asked both my father’s wife and the attorney if they understood that the only person benefitting from the eventual inheritance will be my half-brother on the cusp of his retirement age?
After a contentious meeting we went our own separate ways. I have concluded that if this is what my father wanted, then he also didn’t care about these relationships continuing. My half brother has benefited from his wealth his entire life. There has been underlying resentment through the years but I have tried to keep it under wraps.
Recently I was informed that my father’s wife will make a ‘gift” to both me and my half-brother, her son. It is a sum of money that does nothing to calm my pain and resentment. Once again, the age disparity irritates me. When I was 32 years old I was struggling to find enough extra money to fix up a small basement in our first house. All of it feels inequitable and I just can’t get over that I am nearing retirement age and receiving the same amount as a young person who just bought his first house. Are my feelings of resentment justified? How does one get past this irritation? I have asked myself how I can feel better about this. What would make me feel better? My honest answer is if she gave me double the gift amount of what she gave him. I would then feel that she recognizes and respects how hurtful all of this is and that I will possibly never live long enough to receive an inheritance. Any advice?
It makes me feel very emotional.
SESnut