Recently, I was talking to somebody about the topic of wills and inheritances. Our conversation centered on how family issues can play a big role in how things play out, and how situations can get complicated with dividing things up.
The topic of my blog came up, and I mentioned that I’ve written a few posts on this topic of late. First I shared the feedback from my post on siblings dividing an inheritance, and then I brought up my fairly recent post on 401(k) accounts and inheritances. The latter discussed how it’s important for people later in life to understand the specific rules on beneficiaries, as many people end up seeing their money go to someone other than who they thought would get the money. This is particularly true with adult kids and remarriages. Personally, I find this stuff to be fascinating, with the dynamics and dilemmas that are involved in such situations.
The conversation ended up going to a story that this friend told me about someone he knew (might have been extended family, but I missed that detail) whose uncle had remarried later in life, after having 2 kids from his first marriage. The man married a woman who had kids from her first marriage as well; it was either 2 or 3 kids – again, don’t remember that detail. What’s most important is that they remarried later in life, and both had multiple grown children coming into this union.
Anyway, the man died after a few short years of marriage, and left his assets to his new wife. All his assets. She got everything.
Now, he was very close to his adult kids. Additionally, for years prior to getting remarried, he had told them that eventually they would get everything he had. However, upon getting remarried, something changed in that equation. Whether he got swept up in marriage, or it was an oversight, or whatever the reason was, his will indicated that his assets would pass to the 2nd wife. That’s right: his adult kids would get nothing, even though he was very close to them.
Now, she was apparently fairly well off, and had seemingly accumulated a decent nest egg, as his story went. My friend didn’t know the specifics, but apparently the woman’s first husband died and she had a sum of money from that marriage. He assumed she might have had more money than her husband – the person my friend knew.
What did the woman do with the inheritance? She kept it, using it for herself and her own kids.
That’s where I’m left to disagree with that approach.
My friend had more of an “it is what it is” opinion about this. In other words, he had the view that it was her money, so the woman could do what she wanted with it. If her husband gave her the money, it’s hers. He wanted to give it to her, so why shouldn’t she take it?
My view is different. While I acknowledge that the money would legally belong to the woman since she inherited it, morally and ethically she should share it with the man’s adult kids. My reasoning is this: they were a part of their father’s life from the moment they were born up until his very end, which means their birth to their 30’s. The second wife in the remarriage was only his wife for a few short years later in life. Thus, they should get priority. Even if he didn’t have them in the will, it seems like the right thing to do for her to either:
- Give his assets to them entirely; or
- Give most of his assets to them entirely, and keep a small portion for herself.
My friend’s comments were along the lines of the wife needs to come first, before kids, even if she was married for just one day rather than a few short years as was actually the case. The thinking was that this follows his view of the hierarchy of a man’s responsibilities and that the kids are younger and can take care of themselves easier.
My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money.
Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.
Again, she’s apparently not poor and already had assets of her own already.
My Questions for You:
1. Who do you agree with: my friend, or me?
2. While this may seem impossible to picture yourself in that woman’s situation, what would you do if you were a spouse in her exact situation? How would you handle it, considering the factors I mentioned
Please feel free to share this article with anyone dealing with a blended family situation who could benefit from reading it. It’s great to raise awareness of such issues, and let people know that they’re not alone in managing this type of situation.
I married my husband. a widower, when I was 60 , he was 70; Twenty years late I am 80, he is 90. Due to a irrevocable trust, where his first wife left her share of
community property to granddaughter, we are now struggling along. My
has small apt complex, 14 apts. rent control. poor area. He is responsible for
all upkeep and expenses. He recent spent six month rehabbing an apt. The pats
are old and difficult to keep up, tenants come and go. When he dies apts go to
granddaughter. We are in servitude until my husband dies, barely getting along.
We get no help from 40 hear old granddaughter. She is not close to her grandfather. Just waiting for her inheritance.
I’m in a similar situation. I was with my husband 6 years …’married only 1 and 1/2 years. We shared everything together and bought everything together. We both worked hard everyday of ours lives and took care of each other well. Regardless of our children from previous relationships, we left the majority of our money to each other because we both agreed that God ordained it that way and that a true husband and wife bond is greater any bond in this world as the Bible spake. God first, husband, wife, then children regardless of how long you’ve been together.
So by saying all of this, I think I deserve what he left me because we accumulated all these bills and debts together and we created this lifestyle. The kids don’t have anything to maintain but I do. If he didn’t want me to have it, he wouldn’t have left it to me.
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I have been with my husband for 16 years. He has 3 grown sons and a total of 4 grandsons. I have a daughter he helped raise since she was 11 and she is also grown now with our youngest grandson out of the 5 grandsons. He has been spending most of his time with his eldest son and his 3 sons in that I mean we leave 2 hours away from them and he helps coach the kids soccer teams which puts him not at home on Monday nights returning on tues. Then he leaves on thurs. And sometimes does not return until sat evening r sunday morning.. which really I miss my husband .. recently there was a hurricane where the mother of his kids who is also remarried their house flooded so she is living with the oldest son only her not her husband he still resides at their home.. my husband is now going to their house also on sat night to babysit for them while his xwife is there and sometimes her husband as well. Not only all this but all 3 of his sons r grown with means to take care of themselves I on the other hand have been with my husband for going on 17 years and have not worked because he does not want me to. But he had a life insurance policy for 90k that he has left to hos sons none of it to me. I also signed a prenup when we got married that his buisness was his and I was no part of it which is also left to huh is sons.. recently we have been arguing over alot of this and he acts like I am being selfish and greedy but I honestly dont think I am his kids r grown and r able to provide for them selves.. the home we live in is set to go to them as well as the life insurance I love him beyond words but I feel I am being put way at the bottom of the totem pole am I crazy? I am so hurt over all this..
I haven’t signed a prenup, but his business and life insurance plus cash all go to his kids. Mortgage is $848 , has another loan,$334, he’s 60. I don’t pay it but it still takes his income. I kept my home , it’s paid for, he claims I can live here if he dies before me, but , there is no paperwork. I don’t think it would go over that easy. Before we married he talked about getting a policy with me as beneficiary, never did , now too old.
If the children from the first marriage should get the bigger portion, it will be unfair AS the second wife contributed to all the bills and maintenance of the home
eg. In the event she is over 70, where must she go? To the street? Who is going to maintain her cars and medical etc. Those kids can all wait till she also passes away before getting anything at all. He should have rather taken out a life policy for the children to be split between them and explained in his will the reason why.
The problem is MOST men in 2nd marriages do this nowadays to their new wives, leave them with nothing. So, what was she? A good lay, and a good cook and slave for him, to be sitting on the streets afterwards? No, it is unacceptable.
Yeah. Sorry the wife is just some lady, in my book. The kids come first. They’re his and they’ve been part of his life their entire lives. You should love your husband but don’t expect anything from him. My will is explicit in my wife getting nothing and leaving her care for my kids to decide.
I see, I do not want anything from him, if I had a him, and yes, his kids are his, so is my kids mine. And also yes, my will is explicit in the event that I ever marry again, he gets nothing at all. Which means, I will resort to a LAT thing, living apart but together, which means, I will not look after him if he becomes ill, nor pay for anything that he requires and visa versa.
Thank you for clarify a wife is just some lady in your book. This is the very reason why I assist women in this situation and the very reason why me, myself will never marry again nor move in with someone, as your post said, just some lady in your book, which clarifies what we all already knew, most women are being USED and tossed aside.
I am assisting currently about 20 older women in this situation. I see what the second husbands did to them. It is like they seek out these women, made her sell all that she had, put it in their name (new husbands name) afterwards, and transfer it to their own kids, leaving the second wife to loose everything, WHILE she was married to him, helped paying his debt, supportive of his kids, maintaining the home and him too,, to be USED only for HIS gain. The second wife always looses. If there are one or two who actually gets anything from their husbands, let them have it, It is indeed RARE for a second wife to inherit anything at all like stated above.
She, on the other hand, is old now, she is going to need it to pay medical bills, frail care later for herself, etc. I would rather say let the second wife get 75 percent of all and if he does not want to leave her anything after he USED HER for a time, then what SHOULD be included in the marriage contract is a life policy paid out to her asap of no less than 3 million, so that she can survive as he is going to leave her on the streets one day. And for that, I would not even consider marrying again, it is way too risky. You give your all, you take his kids nonsense, you help pay bills, you cook, clean, give whatever is asked, KNOWING there is the possibility of a will be changed a week before someone dies or even a day. Leaving YOU on the streets at a much higher age with nothing.
Easy for people to say HIS kids should inherit most etc, but WHO stood by him his last years? So, it is suggested now someone wants the kids to have most KNOWING that the 2nd wife PAID for most of the maintenance, debt, supported him, merged her finances with HIS etc so the KIDS do not have to fork out a cent in debt or maintenance of the place or cars etc.
“My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money. REALLY? THEN THOSE KIDS SHOULD ALSO FIRST PAY BACK ALL THAT THE SECOND WIFE LOST WHEN SHE MARRIED THEIR FATHER. Like, her HOME she invested in THEIR marriage, like all of her savings SHE invested in his home etc like his DEBT she inherited that she also helped pay off as well as HIS children studies etc.
“Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.” ADULT KIDS should not solely rely on a PARENT for inheritance to survive. From a religious perspective, any religion, a MAN AND WOMAN MARRIED IS ONE, which means the two should take care of each other till death do us part. So, what is the suggestion here> that the 2nd wife is NOT forming a ONE BOND with her 2nd husband and because of that, she is NOT entitled to much, but she is OBLIGED to serve him and his needs? He can rather make a stipulation IF HE SO DESIRES in his will, that what is LEFT of his estate if the wife dies, should be split equally between ALL KIDS, not just HIS and if it bothers him so much, then take out a policy insurance for his OWN KIDS. He does not have to give her kids anything, it is not his kids, but she should not give HIS kids also anything at all. It was HIS AND HERS from the marriage and it should stay that way till she also passes.
And this is the very reason why most older people do not marry again. It has become too risky, as ONE person is constantly loosing and that person is normally the 2nd wife.