Recently, I was talking to somebody about the topic of wills and inheritances. Our conversation centered on how family issues can play a big role in how things play out, and how situations can get complicated with dividing things up.
The topic of my blog came up, and I mentioned that I’ve written a few posts on this topic of late. First I shared the feedback from my post on siblings dividing an inheritance, and then I brought up my fairly recent post on 401(k) accounts and inheritances. The latter discussed how it’s important for people later in life to understand the specific rules on beneficiaries, as many people end up seeing their money go to someone other than who they thought would get the money. This is particularly true with adult kids and remarriages. Personally, I find this stuff to be fascinating, with the dynamics and dilemmas that are involved in such situations.
The conversation ended up going to a story that this friend told me about someone he knew (might have been extended family, but I missed that detail) whose uncle had remarried later in life, after having 2 kids from his first marriage. The man married a woman who had kids from her first marriage as well; it was either 2 or 3 kids – again, don’t remember that detail. What’s most important is that they remarried later in life, and both had multiple grown children coming into this union.
Anyway, the man died after a few short years of marriage, and left his assets to his new wife. All his assets. She got everything.
Now, he was very close to his adult kids. Additionally, for years prior to getting remarried, he had told them that eventually they would get everything he had. However, upon getting remarried, something changed in that equation. Whether he got swept up in marriage, or it was an oversight, or whatever the reason was, his will indicated that his assets would pass to the 2nd wife. That’s right: his adult kids would get nothing, even though he was very close to them.
Now, she was apparently fairly well off, and had seemingly accumulated a decent nest egg, as his story went. My friend didn’t know the specifics, but apparently the woman’s first husband died and she had a sum of money from that marriage. He assumed she might have had more money than her husband – the person my friend knew.
What did the woman do with the inheritance? She kept it, using it for herself and her own kids.
That’s where I’m left to disagree with that approach.
My friend had more of an “it is what it is” opinion about this. In other words, he had the view that it was her money, so the woman could do what she wanted with it. If her husband gave her the money, it’s hers. He wanted to give it to her, so why shouldn’t she take it?
My view is different. While I acknowledge that the money would legally belong to the woman since she inherited it, morally and ethically she should share it with the man’s adult kids. My reasoning is this: they were a part of their father’s life from the moment they were born up until his very end, which means their birth to their 30’s. The second wife in the remarriage was only his wife for a few short years later in life. Thus, they should get priority. Even if he didn’t have them in the will, it seems like the right thing to do for her to either:
- Give his assets to them entirely; or
- Give most of his assets to them entirely, and keep a small portion for herself.
My friend’s comments were along the lines of the wife needs to come first, before kids, even if she was married for just one day rather than a few short years as was actually the case. The thinking was that this follows his view of the hierarchy of a man’s responsibilities and that the kids are younger and can take care of themselves easier.
My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money.
Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.
Again, she’s apparently not poor and already had assets of her own already.
My Questions for You:
1. Who do you agree with: my friend, or me?
2. While this may seem impossible to picture yourself in that woman’s situation, what would you do if you were a spouse in her exact situation? How would you handle it, considering the factors I mentioned
Please feel free to share this article with anyone dealing with a blended family situation who could benefit from reading it. It’s great to raise awareness of such issues, and let people know that they’re not alone in managing this type of situation.
I married my husband. a widower, when I was 60 , he was 70; Twenty years late I am 80, he is 90. Due to a irrevocable trust, where his first wife left her share of
community property to granddaughter, we are now struggling along. My
has small apt complex, 14 apts. rent control. poor area. He is responsible for
all upkeep and expenses. He recent spent six month rehabbing an apt. The pats
are old and difficult to keep up, tenants come and go. When he dies apts go to
granddaughter. We are in servitude until my husband dies, barely getting along.
We get no help from 40 hear old granddaughter. She is not close to her grandfather. Just waiting for her inheritance.
I’m in a similar situation. I was with my husband 6 years …’married only 1 and 1/2 years. We shared everything together and bought everything together. We both worked hard everyday of ours lives and took care of each other well. Regardless of our children from previous relationships, we left the majority of our money to each other because we both agreed that God ordained it that way and that a true husband and wife bond is greater any bond in this world as the Bible spake. God first, husband, wife, then children regardless of how long you’ve been together.
So by saying all of this, I think I deserve what he left me because we accumulated all these bills and debts together and we created this lifestyle. The kids don’t have anything to maintain but I do. If he didn’t want me to have it, he wouldn’t have left it to me.
He may have found it easier to let you believe that than to fight with you on a daily basis on finances. When your time comes, split the remaining assets equally between ALL the kids no matter who’s kids they are!
I agree with you a 100 %
I am in that same situation. I agree with Jackie. It is what it is.
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I have been with my husband for 16 years. He has 3 grown sons and a total of 4 grandsons. I have a daughter he helped raise since she was 11 and she is also grown now with our youngest grandson out of the 5 grandsons. He has been spending most of his time with his eldest son and his 3 sons in that I mean we leave 2 hours away from them and he helps coach the kids soccer teams which puts him not at home on Monday nights returning on tues. Then he leaves on thurs. And sometimes does not return until sat evening r sunday morning.. which really I miss my husband .. recently there was a hurricane where the mother of his kids who is also remarried their house flooded so she is living with the oldest son only her not her husband he still resides at their home.. my husband is now going to their house also on sat night to babysit for them while his xwife is there and sometimes her husband as well. Not only all this but all 3 of his sons r grown with means to take care of themselves I on the other hand have been with my husband for going on 17 years and have not worked because he does not want me to. But he had a life insurance policy for 90k that he has left to hos sons none of it to me. I also signed a prenup when we got married that his buisness was his and I was no part of it which is also left to huh is sons.. recently we have been arguing over alot of this and he acts like I am being selfish and greedy but I honestly dont think I am his kids r grown and r able to provide for them selves.. the home we live in is set to go to them as well as the life insurance I love him beyond words but I feel I am being put way at the bottom of the totem pole am I crazy? I am so hurt over all this..
I haven’t signed a prenup, but his business and life insurance plus cash all go to his kids. Mortgage is $848 , has another loan,$334, he’s 60. I don’t pay it but it still takes his income. I kept my home , it’s paid for, he claims I can live here if he dies before me, but , there is no paperwork. I don’t think it would go over that easy. Before we married he talked about getting a policy with me as beneficiary, never did , now too old.
No, your not crazy! Your husband should ensure you are also taken care of after he is gone. I hope you have talked to him about this and expressed your concerns as they are valid.
I suggest you both go to a professional and get help finding an equitable solution. You need to ensure, you are able to sustain yourself after your husband is gone. Anything you both have accumulated since marriage should be split.
Im sorry to hear this… my situation is similair in that he didnt want me to work although I told him I needed to for retirement purposes.. He made me benificiary I would never agree to your situation. When I read it, it made me feel like he didnt love you but just use you for companion… God says it best when he says the man puts his wife first… my husband is leaving me everything if he goes first. If he goes before me I will leave his kids and mine each some money… vice versa for him… I do own my own home before we married. I also own more property then him… He does get military retirement but I wont get any of that after he dies so hes leaving me his 401k and other investment to live on because I wont have near that when he passes… I could continue to work and build more retirement for myself but since he do this for me I dont work to retire with him…. I think thus is fair… I would be scared to be in a situation like yours…. Hopefully you have your own stuff prior to marriage to help you survive!
If the children from the first marriage should get the bigger portion, it will be unfair AS the second wife contributed to all the bills and maintenance of the home
eg. In the event she is over 70, where must she go? To the street? Who is going to maintain her cars and medical etc. Those kids can all wait till she also passes away before getting anything at all. He should have rather taken out a life policy for the children to be split between them and explained in his will the reason why.
The problem is MOST men in 2nd marriages do this nowadays to their new wives, leave them with nothing. So, what was she? A good lay, and a good cook and slave for him, to be sitting on the streets afterwards? No, it is unacceptable.
Yeah. Sorry the wife is just some lady, in my book. The kids come first. They’re his and they’ve been part of his life their entire lives. You should love your husband but don’t expect anything from him. My will is explicit in my wife getting nothing and leaving her care for my kids to decide.
I see, I do not want anything from him, if I had a him, and yes, his kids are his, so is my kids mine. And also yes, my will is explicit in the event that I ever marry again, he gets nothing at all. Which means, I will resort to a LAT thing, living apart but together, which means, I will not look after him if he becomes ill, nor pay for anything that he requires and visa versa.
Thank you for clarify a wife is just some lady in your book. This is the very reason why I assist women in this situation and the very reason why me, myself will never marry again nor move in with someone, as your post said, just some lady in your book, which clarifies what we all already knew, most women are being USED and tossed aside.
“Just some lady in your notebook” So you married some woman off the street to keep your bed warm? Just how shallow of a jerk are you?
I am assisting currently about 20 older women in this situation. I see what the second husbands did to them. It is like they seek out these women, made her sell all that she had, put it in their name (new husbands name) afterwards, and transfer it to their own kids, leaving the second wife to loose everything, WHILE she was married to him, helped paying his debt, supportive of his kids, maintaining the home and him too,, to be USED only for HIS gain. The second wife always looses. If there are one or two who actually gets anything from their husbands, let them have it, It is indeed RARE for a second wife to inherit anything at all like stated above.
She, on the other hand, is old now, she is going to need it to pay medical bills, frail care later for herself, etc. I would rather say let the second wife get 75 percent of all and if he does not want to leave her anything after he USED HER for a time, then what SHOULD be included in the marriage contract is a life policy paid out to her asap of no less than 3 million, so that she can survive as he is going to leave her on the streets one day. And for that, I would not even consider marrying again, it is way too risky. You give your all, you take his kids nonsense, you help pay bills, you cook, clean, give whatever is asked, KNOWING there is the possibility of a will be changed a week before someone dies or even a day. Leaving YOU on the streets at a much higher age with nothing.
Easy for people to say HIS kids should inherit most etc, but WHO stood by him his last years? So, it is suggested now someone wants the kids to have most KNOWING that the 2nd wife PAID for most of the maintenance, debt, supported him, merged her finances with HIS etc so the KIDS do not have to fork out a cent in debt or maintenance of the place or cars etc.
“My thinking is different. I believe that since she’s his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his pre-marital assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the man’s passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids having priority for pre-marital money. REALLY? THEN THOSE KIDS SHOULD ALSO FIRST PAY BACK ALL THAT THE SECOND WIFE LOST WHEN SHE MARRIED THEIR FATHER. Like, her HOME she invested in THEIR marriage, like all of her savings SHE invested in his home etc like his DEBT she inherited that she also helped pay off as well as HIS children studies etc.
“Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the man’s adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that.” ADULT KIDS should not solely rely on a PARENT for inheritance to survive. From a religious perspective, any religion, a MAN AND WOMAN MARRIED IS ONE, which means the two should take care of each other till death do us part. So, what is the suggestion here> that the 2nd wife is NOT forming a ONE BOND with her 2nd husband and because of that, she is NOT entitled to much, but she is OBLIGED to serve him and his needs? He can rather make a stipulation IF HE SO DESIRES in his will, that what is LEFT of his estate if the wife dies, should be split equally between ALL KIDS, not just HIS and if it bothers him so much, then take out a policy insurance for his OWN KIDS. He does not have to give her kids anything, it is not his kids, but she should not give HIS kids also anything at all. It was HIS AND HERS from the marriage and it should stay that way till she also passes.
And this is the very reason why most older people do not marry again. It has become too risky, as ONE person is constantly loosing and that person is normally the 2nd wife.
I would like some input. I’m 62 and my husband is 70. Second marriage for both. Married 5 years….My husband never had children and his first wife (who was a stay at home wife) had a daughter and she had one grandchild. I have 2 grown adult children and a grandchild. His wife died after 20 years of marriage and after he married me her daughter and granddaughter were not happy so they don’t have anything to do with him anymore. We have our will set up for each other but if we die together it would be split 5 ways between all the kids. I want to change the will because I feel like everything I’ve contributed is going to 2 people I’ve never met and who want nothing to do with my husband. He refuses to change the will because he made a promise to his wife that he would take care of her daughter (47 years old)and granddaughter… Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I am in that actual situation. My mom recently passed away and my stepdad obviously has the title of two homes and other accounts. But, I was her only daughter and I just had a baby. He wants to get married again which is fine but she does have five adult kids. my mom always said that she wanted for me to keep the house but now this woman is changing his mind and he wants for her to live in that house. I no longer want anything to do with him because I hate people that have no loyalty and I know it hurts him the fact that I took his granddaughter away from him but those are the consequences when somebody disrespects my mother’s memory and takes away security that she had left me. We just did a trust and he did leave everything in my name. So, no disrespect but once he dies I’m kicking her out. It is not fair that my mother was the main breadwinner for some other female to live in it, I do not think so!
My husband of 25 years passed away November 2018. He has 3 children by his previous wife who passed away. I have 3 children from a previous marriage.
My husband’s 3 children (my step children) want me to sign everything over to them but give me my lifetime at my home that is solely in my name only… My husband had a Will but it was not signed by a notary, therefore it has been thrown out by the probate court. What to do?
I’d consult an attorney maybe? Other than that, the children don’t get to dictate anything. Keep what’s yours and tell them that you’ll leave the rest to them when YOU pass. It’s rather bold to ask you to sign everything over to them.
My husband and I each have two grown (adult) children from previous marriages; we’ve been married eight years.
He retired early in life – but without enough assets to last his years. On top of this, he lived lavishly, travelled and spent a great deal of money on his hobby (sailing). He also invested poorly, and lost a lot of money.
When we married, we were about on equal footing with how much we each brought into the marriage – but he didn’t inform me how speculative his investments were…..and ultimately he lost nearly everything. Thankfully I have handled my own investments separately and conservatively.
As he depleted his liquid assets, he refused to modify his lifestyle or get a job, consequently I have been supporting us (I have assets, as I have worked, scrimped, saved and sold a successful business). This would be ok – as I married him “for better or worse, for richer or poorer…” – EXCEPT that he refuses to tell his children that he no longer has money, and that his only income is a $1000 monthly Social Security deposit. They have the impression he has deep-pockets (my fault, as I have supported him to keep up with his boating, etc). He is too embarrassed to let them in on his financial condition, and dispenses half-truths to them about money and “our” resources. They presume that “he takes care of me” and that I live off of his dime.
It is very stressful. I told him we need an “All Family Meeting”: his kids, my kids and us, and get this out into the open. He will not allow for it, as he feels ashamed.
If he dies before me they will wonder where all their supposed inheiritance is – and will be very upset to learn there isn’t any. For this reason I maintain a very careful paper-trail. I don’t want his children to think I have taken anything from him, or them.
The important lesson in this is not to assume things can’t or won’t change financially for your parents as they get older. Unless you are in the thick of their money (investment and bank accounts fully disclosed to you) then you are probably not getting the whole, real picture presented to you. In talking with other step-mothers in comparable situations, I am learning that Dad’s often tell their adult children what they think they want to hear, which might not be accurate. This is done in order to sustain an image of a generous father, grandfather and successful provider.
My mom and dad were married 30 years then divorced. He remarried and they were together approximately 20 years. She had nothing coming into the marriage. My dad recently passed There was no will in signed by him. Current wife received everything my dad worked for. My problem is she has already put the house they lived in up for sale and bought another one and put it in her sons name! My dad didn’t raise her kids and they had their own father but are benefiting from my dad and his 4 kids get nothing he worked all those years for!
To Mary:
1) How do you know “she had nothing coming into the marriage”?
Do you have access to her financials, or is this something you have just assumed?
• I entered into this (second) marriage with many assets, and have acquired many more (independent of my spouse), since we were married. Still, I am under the impression that my husband’s children think I’m a gold-digger. They are not aware of our financial situation – and my husband wants them kept in the dark as to his monetary status.
2) You also state: “Current wife received everything he worked for”.
They were married for twenty years, which is a long time — a full marriage. During these years they would have built a full life, and acquired (or lost or spent down) plenty of assets together during this time.
• Some adult children get confused, and think their parent’s money belongs to them. Make sure you don’t do this.
3) If he had been married to your biological mother when he died, would you still be as upset?
• How receptive have you been to your father’s wife over the twenty years they were together? You don’t have to like her, but you should at least acknowledge her yearly with a token birthday gift and a card, and send her a Christmas gift, even after his death. She spent twenty years with your father, building a life and caring for him. Sounds like you don’t want her in your life, no matter how much your father loved her — but you only care about his money you assume he had and want his unknown a$$ets. Is this true? Perhaps she was his greatest treasure, and you have elected to throw her aside. This says more about you than it does about them.
4) Do you know your father’s wife’s plans upon her death? Perhaps she plans to divide everything up between all the children – his and hers. Are you assuming the worst without knowing all the facts?
• Establish a positive line of communication, and then you can ask this question of her. She is (probably) older than you, and will need assets to retire on, even potentially for long-term care – so there might not be anything left after her death. Spouses often make plans to care for one another…..the assumption is their adult children are capable of caring for themselves.
Thankyou for saying that so well !!! I’m about to be a second wife I worry about these things , my husband has a 19 year old daughter who is very entitled.
I have been married to my second husband for 25 years and he has three adult children and adult Grandchildren he has not seen them for 20 years not even a phone call (maybe a call one every couple of years never from his adult grandchildren) when he got sick they never went to see him or call I called them to tell them their father past away and they never even came to his funeral in his will he left everything to me and named his children by name that they are to get nothing in NY should they get anything.