Can having money make somebody a more attractive partner?
In my way of thinking, the amount of money somebody has does not matter. At least, in the sense of accumulated assets or annual income. There are other things non-monetary in nature that truly matter.
Along those lines, I was having a discussion with somebody recently about a couple that featured a girlfriend that just wasn’t comfortable with her boyfriend’s financial prospects. I happen to know her, and she’s a go-getter type of person, and the guy seems that way too to some lesser degree. She apparently makes more money than he does.
To her, while she had a hard time admitting it, the idea that she made more than him bothered her. She mentioned that she just wanted to feel “taken care of”, and it just didn’t sit well with her that any guy could potentially “depend” on her as a breadwinner. Additionally, she was in a prior relationship where she noted that her ex was quite successful in his career, more so than the new beau. She just couldn’t stop herself from comparing guy #1 with guy #2.
Personally, I just find this mystifying. Again, to my way of thinking, there is more to a relationship than how much the other prospective partner makes.
Having said this, I do think that financial compatibility plays a role. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling leery about someone who has carelessly racked up tons of debt for purchases of consumer purchases or similar excessive things, as opposed to education. Or, if one person is a hardcore saver and another totally has to live for today and spend, that’s a recipe for fights.
In other words, in the big picture I think financial habits make sense to look at, but how much money somebody makes seems to be an example of focusing on the wrong things. I realize that many people might completely disagree with this notion, if they’re totally honest about it.
Does this matter if we’re talking about the perspectives of a man vs. needs of a woman? Well, I can tell you that as a parent of a girl and boy, I don’t think of it differently. Now, my kids are young so this is a long way from now, but I don’t think I would have a substantially different set of concerns about the financial habits of a person each would ultimately get involved with. Again, I’m sure many would completely disagree.
What do you think?
Do you see it my way, that financial compatibility should matter to some degree and that how much somebody earns is not too relevant to a relationship? Is this the same for men vs. women?
What do you think about the feelings held by girlfriend in the above conversation? Understandable or not?
As someone who makes more than her husband, I think they’re bizarre and archaic. I’ve only met one person who felt like that and she was weird. She also negotiated for a huge salary and complains that it’s difficult to find guys who make more than she does, especially not living in a city. She’s probably one of the most highly paid people in the entire state in which she lives. Maybe a few doctors make more than she does.
Nicole – I find it hard to understand that person you referenced, so I basically agree with you. That person is setting herself up to be disappointed.
“Can having money make somebody a more attractive partner?”
You need to speak to Hugh Hefner!
Moneycone – LOL…not the example I was thinking of, but you have a point.
It’s hard to argue that financial compatibility isn’t important in a relationship since so many couples’ fights are about money. I imagine that salary does play into financial compatibility. Living within your means is quite different at $25,000 compared to $125,000. I think in many modern relationships each partner wants to feel like they are pulling their own weight which can be difficult if there is a substantial gap in earnings. The $125k partner may also want to live a more luxurious lifestyle which would be possible with a partner also earning a similar salary, but not possible otherwise.
This hasn’t been an issue for me – my SO and I have traded back and forth who has made more but have always been in the same ballpark and our financial habits are also, thankfully, very similar.
No Debt MBA – that’s an interesting take on how salary could come into play. I do think that if the 125k partner has certain tastes, he/she should consider that in a partnership they as a couple would then have 150k abilities. Again, the person comes before their wealth.
I can understand where your female friend may be coming from even though I am male. My wife has several friends whose husbands end up being true slugs and expect to be taken care of themselves. One even quit a decent job and stayed home all day while his wife worked. They are divorced now and he doesn’t pay his child support. There may be more to what she is looking at, but the salary is the symptom.
cashflowmatra – those guys seem like slugs, I agree. Now, I can see staying home if both people agree on it, so that’s not a bad move on anyone’s part. Again, if it’s mutually agreed upon and it works for the couple!
Who likes their money sponged from them? No one. I personally dated both sides of the spectrum, the super tight wad and the perpetually broke guy. In both cases, I was always the one paying for anything fun. Who wants to be that person? Someone in the middle is a much better prospect if you ask me.
I think it’s reasonable to want a mate that can pull their own. However you also state that this woman wants to be “taken care of” in which case I think she’s got a bit of a double standard going. She doesn’t want to be mooched off of but is okay being the moocher?
I’ve always thought financial compatibility has been important but it’s not so much as the $$ amount someone earns but what they do with it that matters. You can be a saver or a spender whether you make $20K/year or $200K.
First Gen American – I guess I would have to agree that nobody likes to have someone sponge. Of course, in a marriage, if one person makes more than the other is the person making less sponging? Probably not, though it clearly does happen a lot. As for the double standard, it sure seemed like it, I agree with you! GREAT point on what someone does with money mattering, not the actual salary so much. Well put!
My opinion is that financial compatibility is super important but who makes the most is not. I made more than my husband the first year out of college, then he made more for 5 years, and now I am making more for this year, and he’ll probably make more next year since I’ll be quitting my day job…who cares? If I ever make more than $100,000 a year from blogging, he may simply quit his own day job and do all of the chores, lol. I don’t care who makes what as long as we are jointly making enough to cover the goals that we both agreed on together…
Crystal – sounds like a fair and balanced system you guys have.
I’m with Crystal here. I don’t care who make more money as long as we can pay the bill. The Mrs. came around somewhat and I don’t think she will mind being the bread winner. I’ve earned more than her for 15 years, it’s time for her to start pulling her weight. I’m better with the kid anyway. 🙂
retireby40 – “time for her to start pulling her weight”…LOL. I know you’re kidding but that was funny anyway.
I think her saying she wants to be “taken care of” is code for “I’ll want to be a SAHM and doubt that he can support me living that lifestyle in the way I’d like.” Perhaps she wants to not have a job beyond taking care of the children, go on nice vacations every year, drive a pricey car, and live in a big house with lots of fancy furniture and electronics. And she knows that his earning potential isn’t shaping up in a way that would allow her to do this.
I wouldn’t want to live like that and I’m sure many commenting on here feel the same way, but if that’s her goal then maybe she needs to be more plain-spoken about it.
Linda – very well said, and I think you’re perceptive in how you read this situation. That may be her actual goal, and if so she needs to be clear about it. It’s ok to want that of course, but it has to be something that both people want and are comfortable with/capable of doing.
Agree with Linda. Plus, there are plenty of guys who want their wife to stay home once they have kids. If that’s her goal, I’m sure that wouldn’t be too hard to find…but if it’s her goal to live upper/middle class and not work, that’ll be harder.
First Gen – very true that there are guys that want that. I’m sure it goes both ways, where maybe a guy would want that for his wife but she insists on working – as well as cases where the woman expect the guy to take care of her financially while the guy wants her to work. Or the other way too, where you can flip the roles of men/women. So many combinations!
Either way, it’s about being fair to each other, treating each other as equals and partners, respecting each other, and working on the basis of common goals – with financial habits that aren’t on the opposite ends of the spectrum (saver/spender).
Compatibility is important in a marriage or partnership. Polar opposites regarding money can create major issues in a marriage. Should people think about these characteristics before they get married? Absolutely! Should couples think about heir future before they get married? Absolutely. Who wants to struggle their entire lives together?
krantents – these things are all important, no question. Financial compatability, in terms of philosophies, in important. Actual salaries/net worths – not as much as I mentioned in my post, in my view. Though I acknowledge that marriages as people get older (2nd marriages, etc) might get tricker in terms of financial implications.
Financial sense is more important than financial prowess. It matters little if the partner is a high earner, if that goes hand in hand with poor spending habits. That young lady needs to read “the millionaire next door”. Income does not necessarily translate to wealth.
101 Centavos – I agree with you on financial sense being more important than prowess. The thing I see with this person is some hypocrisy/double standard.
My husband would love if I made more money than he does! Actually, when we were in grad school, my husband’s roommate (he was my fiancee at the time) was talking about how he couldn’t handle making less than his wife. My husband said ‘well, Kris’s degree program typically makes more than mine, and I hope she does make more money’. He said that not because he is a leech, but because that just meant we would have more money.
Who cares where the money comes from. As long as the couple is compatible and have similar financial goals, I would think that who made more wouldn’t matter. Then again, I am a pretty simple person who doesn’t worry about such things.
Kris – I know what you mean, it shouldn’t matter where it comes from as long as the people are both compatable and share financial goals. In this case, compatability can extend to financial compatability, but that doesn’t mean that one person needs to automatically make more/less than the other in order to be attractive. Just my view, of course!
We live in an age where it’s absolutely fine for a woman to earn more than her other half. In my opinion it’s attitudes towards money, finances and life goals that are important here. Even if the wife is the breadwinner, the relationship can still be great just as long as monetary values with regards to spending, saving, investing and so on are aligned. If one is frivilous and the other is penny-pinching, the disparity in ethics and outlooks can put serious strain on the relationship.
Harri – well put. It’s the attitudes and goals that matter here, and if aligned it makes for a good situation, better than the alternative.
I agree with Crystal. Who makes what is irrelevant but common goals is key.
Miss T – I see a theme here!
As long as there is enough money to keep them both happy, why else should it matter?
Jared – I know what you mean!
I am surprised that no one has mentioned how having a wife who makes more money can affect a man’s ego. Yes, in principle, there is nothing wrong with it, especially in today’s society, but many men may still feel emasculated, even if the wife does not hold it over their heads. This can trickle down into the relatioship in other areas, particularly the bedroom, making physical and especially emotional intimacy very difficult for both partners. I know countless men who have felt this way.
Olivia – that’s a good point. Some men simply can’t take that, a reaction which doesn’t necessarily benefit the relationship. It seems as though today’s world doesn’t exactly align with many beliefs people seem to still have. Thing is, the world in which many adults were raised – and what they saw growing up – is different than today’s world. Thanks for the comment.