The following is an article that’s part of a collective effort of a group of blogs to write on the topic “Financial lessons learned from my first boy/girl friend.” The genesis for this idea was the blog First Gen American, while the article is my own.
Do you remember your first girlfriend or boyfriend? Or, more importantly, your first date you ever had?
For me, it’s been many years, but I do recall the first actual, formal date I went on. I was much younger, it was more than half my life ago
But I do remember. There was a girl who I knew a bit, who was a friend of a friend, who I came to find out liked me. You remember those days, right? Well, from what I knew at that time, she appeared interesting to me too. Good looking, smart, nice. So, I thought about asking her out.
I was more shy back then, so the idea that she already “liked” me helped ease my fears of rejection. That’s a good thing, because I absolutely did have those fears. At the time, Mr. Squirreler wasn’t Mr. Suave, but somehow was a man of mystery at times because I would get shy when I was interested in asking out a good looking girl. Apparently though, I found that when a guy is comfortably conversational yet doesn’t ask someone out it meant he was intriguing. Go figure. I was just shy and trying to figure things out, but the perception worked for me at the time.
Anyway, I asked this girl if she wanted to go out for a move, and then get ice cream. This might as well have been the 1950’s, as it was such a wholesome date. Now, keep in mind I was raised by my parents to be a gentleman and to operate by their views of chivalry. This meant stuff like no swearing around girls (or ever, really), holding the door for them, doing the driving, etc. Maybe it’s old fashioned, but that’s how they raised me.
Interestingly, nothing was said about spending money on girls. Now, I don’t know if they just assumed that I knew who pays on the first date, or what the case was. But we didn’t discuss the money part of it. Just being a gentleman in the other aspects I had mentioned.
So, I took the girl on the date, and I guess I just thought I would probably pay. I didn’t think much about beforehand, and just brought my money. Keep in mind that at the time, I was a kid in school and not working any kind of evening or weekend job at the time – though I had previously had a part-time minimum wage job. The girl, while also at the same school, did have some kind of part-time job. So she was working, I wasn’t.
Anyway, on the way to the local theatre, she was telling me about some funny things that happened to her at her job. No talk about mutual friends we had, or anything like that – just some brief stories on her job to break the ice.
I didn’t have my own current minimum-wage job stories to share, so at this point it’s even more clear that she’s working and I’m not. Which is fine at that young age, though I felt it then.
Then we got to the movie theatre, and went up to the counter to get the tickets. I asked for 2 to whatever movie we saw, and then was told the price. At that point, I quickly glanced over at her and she was just standing there.
There it was. A first date. And it was clear that I had to pay.
We both were just kids, both good students, her family seemed like they may be well to do, but one thing was certain: she was working and I wasn’t.
Yet, when it came time to pay, she didn’t flinch. So, I definitely noticed that and obviously remember it. But really, all I could think about at the time was how good she looked
After the movie was over, we continued the 1950’s-style wholesome theme and went to a local place to get ice cream. She then asked me if it would be ok if she got a root beer instead. Of course, I said. I really like root beer too, so I told her I’d get one as well. Then, we sat there and talked for a while.
Oh by the way….I paid for the soda too. Which is fine.
Then it started to get late, and I went to drop her off at home. The young Mr. Squirreler considered the night to be a success, as I did date her for a little while after that.
Anyway…that said, that episode got me thinking about money. Specifically, my need to have money.
You see, the whole evening made it clear that there was a “pay to play” approach to dating. If you’re a guy, you pay. If you don’t pay or you hope she pays her part, you’re not “manning up”. How could you ask a girl out and then expect her to pay her share – let alone the whole thing?
You couldn’t do that.
So, the young Mr. Squirreler had the lightbulb turn on. It became clear to me that for me to date, I would need some money. As I fast forwarded in my mind to the days when I’d be older and had a college degree and a “real” job, I figured the dates might get more expensive. I didn’t want to hurt my chances, so I thought I needed to figure out a way to make money.
In the mind of a younger guy, this was the kickstart I needed. And, it gave me insight into what drove many men to achieve wealth. Sure, we have our basic needs like food, shelter, transportation, medical, etc. But to many younger guys, there’s extra motivation of impressing girls and eventually women. Thank goodness I never made any stupid moves like buying a cool car to impress anyone.
Eventually –and thankfully – I also came to realize that not all girls are interested in how much you make or how much you spend on them.
Currently, as an adult, my motivator is retirement and child’s college expenses. But the dating example was the beginning of my being motivated to money for a specific reason, and with that I learned two things:
- Work toward a goal, it helps drive your money making pursuits
- You have to hustle to make money or get what you want; if you don’t, someone else will
Additionally, from that one evening, I did learn a lesson that stays with a guy:
On your very first date with a woman, you pay. It doesn’t matter if she has more money than you, or makes more money than you. The respectable, honorable, and practical thing to do is for you to pay. Later, after more dates and a relationship starts, this doesn’t have to be the case. But on that very first “real” date when you ask her out, you should expect to pay for everything and let her pay for nothing.
Yes, this is coming from the same guy who posted on gender equality recently. Which I stand by totally, as I think opportunities should be equal for both boys/girls and men/women. Girls can work toward any level of education and employment and should not get held back by any preconceived notions about their abilities or appropriateness in certain jobs or careers. It’s all equal.
For first dates though, it’s a different situation. Some might strongly disagree, but the lesson I learned that the guy pays.
What did you learn about finances from your first girl/boy friend?
Do agree or disagree with me on my thoughts about the guy paying for a first date? Am I too old-fashioned here?
Wow, that’s a pretty significant lesson (the “boys need money if they want girls” lesson).
Uh, on dates it’s either been dutch or whoever did the asking does the paying in my past. It’s been over a decade and a half though. I come from a culture (the midwest) that has an implicit rule that both parties fight over the check in a delicate negotiation consisting of 3 asks. So even if the man pays in the end, the woman would still offer to pay half or pay the entire bill.
Nicole –
The subsequent lesson I learned is that not every woman values a man for his earning capacity or how much he spends on her. Lesson learned later.
A bigger lesson learned later is that if a woman views your earning potential as a major reason for being with you – she’s probably not a keeper. Values, shared interest, and love triumph. But when you’re young and trying to date, being broke isn’t a way to get things rolling!
For a first date, I think the original lesson holds true that the guy should expect to pay. Sure, there may be an obligatory purse grab, a mild protest put up, and maybe even a stong personal belief that she should pay half. But all things considered, the guy better be prepared to pay and like it:)
Now, if the woman asks the guy out, it’s a different story. The guy shouldn’t have to pay the whole thing then. Paying half would be fine in that case. I didn’t add this scenario because generally it’s the guy asking.
It’s all so complicated the more I type this. Maybe it’s simple as boy likes girl, girl likes boy, then do whatever works each of you financially.
Great Lesson. Being able to take care of yourself is an important skill. Financial independence from one’s parents to me is a good sign especially since some people go through their whole lives depending on others for support.
Good story.
I don’t think I have much to add because growing up in India I never dated. My husband was my good friend before I came to the US, we ended up going to the same grad school here and we don’t know how exactly 🙂 but we are married now. Its been 13 yrs since I have known him. When we went on a “date” (I say that in quotes because it was not supposed to be a date, he was my best friend here so we went out together a lot), he paid most of the time. Not because he was a guy but because he had RA from the first semester, while I didn’t. After I got a scholarship from the second semester, it was whoever felt like paying. I think we had a unspoken contract to even things out. If he paid once, I will pay the next time, if it was an expensive meal (sit down restaurant vs taco bell I mean), the other person will pay the next few times to even it out.
The whole point of my rant is, I personally think at this age, in which women are working equally, it should be 50/50. If you pay on the first date because you asked for a date, then she could pay on the next. Whoever asks for the date could pay first..
Suba – yeah, I can agree that if a woman asks a guy out, he shouldn’t have to pay it all. And as they date for a longer period of time, it’s all good. As partners, everything should be shared anyway…at least that’s my view. For the first date, if the guy asks the woman out, he should probably expect to pay whether he likes it or not:)
When I was in college, I was dating my wife. Our first date consisted of a football game, and dinner at a private dining club on campus which was almost free. In those days, I was always broke! Quite often, she would reciprocate by inviting me to her home for dinner. There are lots of ways for a woman to reciprocate, if she is a keeper.
krantcents – yes, cooking dinner, etc are great ways to reciprocate. And beyond the early dates, once more serious, why not share expenses? That’s what people do eventually anyway, even if one spouse is a breadwinner….which could be man or woman. Something about that very first date though….it’s just different in my old school view. Maybe things are changing?
I think it is important for someone to be able to care for themselves and potentially someone else financially. I think it is a good sign of good character if someone can work hard. However, I don’t think that a man has to pay on the first date. In fact, when I dated, I never expected this. I actually planned on paying for my own stuff. When you first meet someone, you hardly know them. It’s not a natural feeling to want to spend your hard earned money on them. When I went on my first date with my now husband, I planned on paying for my dinner. When the bill came, I went to get my purse, but he stopped me and said he would pay. I said ‘are you sure?’ and he said ‘yes, I want to.’. I didn’t want to argue with him or take away his pleasure so I let him pay. Later on in our relationship he told me how he respected me for the fact that I didn’t just assume he was going to pay and take advantage of him.
I guess, when it comes to this topic, it depends on how you have been raised and your ideals; this will dictate your opinion on this matter.
Miss T – I have to say, that the responses thus far (yours definitely included) have been very refreshing. I’m not sure that many see it the same exact way I do, that the man should expect to pay for the first date. I do think that things should even out and be all in together later on, and it seems like nobody disagrees with that…but it’s neat to see different, progressive perspectives on this whole topic. I’m VERY into gender equality for my daughter, so the concept of independence and the ability to be so is one I can agree with.
So are you Mr. Suave now? 😛
I agree that whoever asked out for the date should pay. If she had asked you out it would have been OK to split the bill, and later on splitting or alternating is fine too, but at least in the beginning, you’re like a peacock and you need to signal some sort of status. If you can’t even pay for a first date, it’s not a very good signal.
Chivalry still works with girls, I think, I don’t think it’s gotten old-fashioned except perhaps in the mainstream media! Seems like you learned some good lessons at a young age.
Invest it Wisely –
I’m a pretty regular guy these days, definitely not at all Mr. Suave. The perception at that point in time wasn’t reality but it helped a bit:)
Also, it’s hard to argue with what you say about chivalry still working. Sure, it won’t for some, and that’s cool of course. Experience and observation says that deep down it’s still appreciated if done in a respectful way.
What a great story! I never thought about a first date being a financial lesson for a boy, but then again, I am a girl and got all the freebies. The male paying on the first date is a convention that many might try to squash, but I don’t think it ever will go away. I think it’s too ingrained in our nature, like how the male peacocks are the ones who have to impress the females with their fancy tail feathers.
Lindy Mint –
Nice analogy with the peacocks:) It’s just the way it is for many people, the guy pays and the girl prefers it. I’m a big proponent of gender equality as you probably know by now, but the very first date is about the guy bearing the burden and the girl being taken care of. Later, if married, husband and wife can take care of each other in a fair partnership. The first date isn’t a fair partnership, it’s inherently biased toward the girl being taken care of. In my old-school view, anyway!
It is definitely refreshing though to see different perspectives on this, and I’m certainly in no way offended by people disagreeing. Not that you are. Open minds are a good thing, it’s all good!
Although I like to consider myself a modern woman, I expect the guy to pay for the first THREE dates. Like your first date, I let them pay without even flinching. After that, then we can have some equality. Even though I’m independent, I like to feel that I have financial security in the man I’m with. It just seems natural for women to want that. And I’m no exception.
Shawanda – I’d say that’s a pretty traditional viewpoint! Not critiquing it, as I of course posted that the first date means the guy pays all no matter what. Even if she’s rich and he has very little, the default is that he pays all and she gets treated. It’s undersandable that any woman would want that, as it’s part of chivalry and tells you a lot about the guy.
It’s like opening doors – sure, both men and women are equally capable of opening doors, but the guy should open them for the woman. If it’s cold out and the guy has a heavier jacket on and the woman is cold, the guy should freeze and the woman should be comfortable. Not the other way around. In a restaurant, the woman should always be asked for her order first. That’s perfectly fair that the lady should be treated better just because she’s female.
That said, I think that other than such chivalrous actions, it’s good for people in a commited relationship to be fair to each other. Both are responsible for each other, and it doesn’t go one way only. Both men and women are equally capable of having careers and working, and it shouldn’t matter who’s the breadwinner when married.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think it’s just about courtesy. A real gentleman pays for his date. It’s cute and makes us feel like we’re being pampered 🙂
Alison